The Legend of Celestia Futarius
by BemnalTheFallen
Summary: This is the most offensive, defiling piece of literary crap to ever pass from my fingers, it is a racist, sexist, homophobic, and poorly portrayed parody of four awesome movies, 300, Gladiator, Awesomest Maximus, and Troy with a futanari Celestia as the Protagonist and a fairy fruitcake Sombra as the antagonist; Shining Armor's gay and Sunset Shimmer gets Violated! Enjoy.
1. Last Chance to turn back!

The Legend of Celestia Futarius

This is the most offensive, defiling piece of literary crap to ever pass from my fingers, It is a racist, sexist, homophobic, and poorly portrayed parody of four awesome movies, 300, Gladiator, Awesomest Maximus and Troy with a futanary Celestia as the protagonist and a fairy fruitcake Sombra as the antagonist; Shining Armor's gay and Sunset Shimmer gets violated! Enjoy.

I can't believe you actually clicked on this, why?! Did you not read the summary?! That was your only warning damn it!

lol I kid, I'm just being an ass at this point, I just wanted to drive away sticks in the mud with the summary leaving only the open minded easy going readers who actually have a sense of humor and can laugh at movies like Scary Movie, Date Movie, and National Lampoon movies which are pretty good representations of what offensive slander you're about to read.

So! For those of you reading this at this point who can actually enjoy a retarded debaucherizing slaughter of quality television, here's the actual summary!

Celestia has been prophesized as the greatest general to ever live long before she was born, now she stands as the leader of Troy's army with her faithful lieutenant Luna and her gold digging wife Twilight. Unfortunately there's one force that even Troy can't handle, Greece, ruled over by the god-king Sombra; in an attempt to kiss his ass so as to avoid the likely scenario of him sending milions of soldiers to kick Troy's ass and get freaky with their mares, Celestia is sent to their capitol city to make peace. But things go awry when Shining Armor gets a little too personal with Sombra's wife Cadence and smugles her back to Troy. Celestia's worried about Sombra's wrath but Shining and Twilight's dad King Loopy is just glad that his son isn't a fudgepacking coltcuddling fairy. Will Troy survive? Can Celestia rise to the plate and fulfile her title as the greatest general who ever lived? Or will she completely fuck everything up as usual?

***DISCLAIMER***

I do not own My Little Pony Frienship is Magic, 300, Gladiator, Troy, or Awesomest Maximus nor do I have any aphiliations with them, their producers or their benifactors. I make no money off this work of fiction intended purely for entertainment purposes. Please support the official releases.

***DISCLAIMER***

********************************WARNING*********** *****************************

Where... the fuck... to start...

Swearing.

Violence.

ANTHRO PONIES

Slight gore.

Sexual themes.

Jokes of a Politically Incorrect nature, i.e. racist, sexist, homophobic, pokes shots at the mentally impared. etc. No seriously, this story is very offensive.

Futa Celestia.

Non-rhyming stoner Zecora.

Celestia and Luna are not related.

And that's about all there is to say. Enjoy this debauchery piece of shit I call a story.

*********************************WARNING********** *****************************

Last chance to turn back...

Chatper 1, SERIOUSLY LAST CHANCE TO TURN BACK!

It began, wi-seriously you can still hit the back button and forget you read any of this! No? well... your the one who's gonna have to deal with the migrane...

*The world's fate is decided by legends. Ponies who are larger than life.*

A great bloody battle took place out in... somewhere... with fields... I don't fucking know, there's a war happening that's all you need to know.

*Who's tales of courage don't just echo through their time, but through ALL time. And so it was with Celestia Futarius.*

Celestia stood proud in bronze plate mail with a spartan helmet stanind 8 feet tall while down at the bottom of 'you don't need to know the location of' hill, Troy's armies surrounded but a single score of resisting barbarians.

Celestia nodded before stepping foward and nearly tripping over a dead soldier, "woops! Heh heh, sorry there pal!" she laughed while holding her beer mug.

*Even if she was one STUPID mother fucker.*

Celestia stood now next to her Lieutenant, sister, and fellow futa, Luna, "hey Luna! My mane mare, how's uh, all this looking?" she gestured towards the surrounded barbarians.

"Good general," Luna replied, "as you can see, the odds are heavily in our favor."

Celestia nodded, "super!"

"We're ready to finish this general-" "tst!" Celestia cut her off, "something is amis... Ah! Super." she turned to a serving colt to refiled her mug of beer, "yeah just go ahead and top her off there Bob. Woah! When! Heh heh."

Luna drew her sword and in a knightly fashion she boasted, "to strength! And honor!"

Celestia rose her cup ion a similar fashion, "and to beer and blowjobs!" she immitated sucking a cock with lewd noises as Luna gave her a bland annoyed look.

"... You know, why don't we just go with the archers?" Celestia suggested.

"The calverie's too close." she responded promptely.

"Oh the calverie's fine!" Celestia chuckled.

Luna sighed, her prayers went out to the poor stallions who were about to die and gave the signal for the archers.

Celestia calmly ordered, "fir-" "FIIIIRREEEE!" Luna screemed properly making Celestia rub her sore ear.

The arrows flew high through the air, the Barbarians looked up in fear... and saw the arrows fly... and fly... and go RIGHT over their heads towards the Trojan soldiers behind them; a series of 'thnk's sounded out as soldier after soldier was impailed by their own contryponies.

Celestia made a sore inhale through her teeth, "ah... we should uh... probably move the calvery back a bit... cause of... ya..." she gestured to a bunch of spots on her armor imitating arrow impailments.

XXXXX

Later in the tents, a victory celebration was in full swing with naked mares and strippers abound even though stripper poles probably didn't exist back then... oh well it's fucking awesome so don't question it.

*The gods fortold that one day Celestia Futarius would become the greatest general who ever lived. And when your destiny has been prophesized by the gods, shiiiit, you might as well head down to the titty bar and get FUCKED up!*

Celestia was currently getting a lapdance from Lyra and Bon Bon gave her a lap dance. A toples lapdance.

Luna walked over, "ahem, general..."

"Hey Luna! What's up dude? Hey check this out!" she pressed her muzzle into Bon Bon's breasts and blew out air as she shook her head left and right.

Luna blinked with a deadpan, "that's... awesome... I guess..."

"I call it, a motor boat." Celestia stated poshly.

"... What is a motor boat?" Luna asked quickly.

"It's a boat with a motor, duh." Celestia responded with a derp face.

"... What's a moror?"

"..." Celestia paused for a few seconds, "beats the shit out of me, hey barkeep! Shot's over here!" she gestured with her fingers.

"King loopy would like to see you sera." Luna informed prompting Celestia to make a 'not now' gesture.

Luna pressed on regardless, "King Loopy... your father in law... from your wife the princess, her father king Loopy?"

At that, Lyra and Bon Bon quickly left.

"No wait!" Celestia called out, "she's fine with it! YOU'RE BARBARIAN STRIPPERS! YOU'D BLOW RETARDS FOR A SHINY PEBBLE! Son of a bitch..." she turned to her lieutenant and sister, "thanks a lot cock blocker!"

"Just because we're futas doesnt mean we need to get our dicks wet at every opportunity." Luna said with a stern expression.

"What's your deal Luna?! Don't you like tits?" Celestia.

"I love tits." Luna.

"You hate tits." Celestia.

"I love tits." Luna.

"Uh, no you don't." Celestia.

spotted a topless waitress nearby and grasped hold of her breast, "yes I do."

Celestia nodded her head, "touche."

XXXXX

Inside the city of Tory, King Loopy sat on a throne with two Unicorns giggling next to him.

it was then that Celestia and Luna entered into the room.

"Celestia!" Loopy chirped before turning to the two serving mares, "girls, leave us, but not for too long, these pills only last for four hours." And with that, the whores left the room.

*King Loopy, ruler over all which he surveyed and crazier than a shit house rat with syphilus in his brain.*

Celestia turned to Loopy with a smile, "it's good to be king isn't it sire?"

"Oh yes indeed! Celestia... I don't care if futas are considered primarily mares, you're the son I never had." He replied.

Celestia blinked, "what about Shining Armor?"

"Shining's a pussy and I think he likes colts."

Celestia nodded, "good point." Luna actually agreed with her.

"So, how's married life?"

Celestia smiled, "oh you know Twilight, once a princess alwasy a princess."

Loopy nodded sagely, "ya just like her bitch mother..."

"I think she's a little worried that you might be naming Shining next in line to be king right?" Celestia inquired.

Loopy shook his head, "wouldn't he technically be Queen?"

Celestia bursted out laughing.

Loopy nodded, "OK let's get down to business, I want you to join Shining Armor in Greece."

Celestia furrowed her brows, "what's he doing in Greece?"

XXXXX

Shing Armor jumped up and down as rave music played and strobe lights flew around the room.

XXXXX

"I want you to help him kiss their hairy Greek asses and make sure he doesn't piss them off so that they don't send millions of guys over here to enslave us and get wierd with our mares."

Luna frowned, "uh, if I may, I can handle this sir, no need to bother our... great... general."

"I am a great general." Celestia said quickly.

"Yes you are." Luna replied exaustedly.

"Yes I am." Celestia.

"Yes that's what you think." Luna.

"There is no thinking it's the truth deal with it." Celestia.

Loopy cut in, "the fate of Tory is in your hands."

Celestia nodded with a serious face, "I'm on it." and with that, she left.

Luna stepped forward, "forgive me King Loopy but... Celestia can barely handle herself. I don't think she's ready for such an important mission on her own I mean she's always had the army and myself to cover her ass."

"You forget Luna, when Celestia was born, the gods said she was destined to be a legend."

"But Sire, I'm not really sure-" "we have the greatest army in the world! How bad could she fuck things up?"

Luna sared silently at the king for a few moments, "... pretty bad."

XXXXX

Celestia sat in her and her wife's room as she sipped at some beer.

*It was the first time that Celestia had been sent on an important mission alone. So she decided to talk it over with her gold digging bitch-ass wife Twilight Sparkle. As if she knew what the fuck.*

Twilight walked over to Celestia, "Celestia, get your head out of your ass and listen to me! This is a good thing, daddy has never given you this much personal responsibility before. He must finally be realizing that Shining is a total homo, and Troy can't have a gay king!" she began walking over to the window, "you know what this means Celestia? If this works out... he'll make YOU King of Troy, and that means I will get to be the Queen!"

Celestia took another sip of beer methodically as Twilight began to rant, "and we'll get to move into the castle and... we'll have tons of servants! And I'll get invited to all the best parties." She turned suddenly to Celestia, "don't fuck this up!"

"N-no I won't! Sounds great! So uh... maybe you and I should have a little... you know... celebration?" she gestured towards the bed.

"We're married Celestia, You have to earn it first." Twilight replied and began to leave.

Celestia grumbled into her beer mug, "fat ass bitch..." she mumbled.

"What was that?!"

"Nothing! I-I was talking about me! I'm fat! I-I'm a fat bitch! I wanna work out for you, I wanna lo-yoga with you, hot yoga with you I LOVE YO- fuck..." Twilight was already gone.

XXXXX

*Meanwhile, the self proclaimed Greek god-king Sombra, the most rutheless stallion in the land, I mean this guy was a real prick and wierd in a 'don't leave him alone with foals' kind of way if you know what I'm talking about. Anyway...*

Sombra stood on the back of a chariot wearing a BDSM gimp suit full with leathers and chains while the Greek army stood behind him and far ahead was the legion of the Crystal Kindom.

*He was about to conquer the Crystal Kindom; and after bringing the Crystal Kingdom under Greek rule, he would be the stallion.*

"It is a good day for the crows!" Sombra said with a sort of spanish sort of italian accent, "and I hear they love the taste of Crystal...ions..."

The Crystal General blinked, "Crystaleian." he corrected.

"That's what I said!" Sombra shouted immaturely.

"No, you emphasized the wrong syllable!" The general spat back.

"Whatever! Look I'm supposed to be at an orgy in half an hour! I've pushed them back four times already so I'm going to be a generous god-king here OK?" he said with a feminine swagger, his voice spiking at the end. "Rather than meeee, killing alll of your ponies, let's save some time and some lives and whatnot and do this old school! Your best friend vs. mine! If my guy wins, you submit to my rule, plain and simple!"

"And if my guy wins?" The general asked with a cocked brow.

"... Then I'll leave."

"Really?!"

Sombra looked left and right before putting his crossed fingers behind his back, "you have my word."

The General seemed satisfied, "alright, deal. THEE GREAT AND BIG BITCH!"

A giant fat over muscled mare shoved her way through a bunch of guards holding two spears.

Sombra's eyes widened, "fuck! How big was her mama's vag?!"

*Not big enough*

Sombra nodded and held his arms out, "BLLUUUUEEEBAAAAAALLLLS!"

... a few seconds passed...

"...BLUEBALLS!..." Sombra blinked.

Great Big Bitch laughed, "The Great Big Bitch has this effect on many ponies!"

Sombra turned to his general, "where the fuck is Blueballs! This is embarassing! I mean come on! I'm standing here calling his name, we're all here and he's not answering me?! I'm so tired of this!" he began to sob.

Sombra turned towards the Crystal General, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know, you're time is important; my time is important."

XXXXX

Out in the middle of who the fuck knows where, a tend stood with the clan symbol of two hairy balls.

*Blueballs, orginially named Blueblood, he took on the new title when he came of age. He was King Sombra's greatest warrior, an immortal among stallions.*

Blueballs lay upon a bed as mares oil massaged him and manicured his nails.

*And kind of a pussy liped bitch at the same time.*

A servant came over ith a platter full of crackers and cheese. Blueballs leaned up and looked at the tray, "me? Carbs?!" he knocked the tray into the air before laying back down.

A small colt walked into the tent, "Blueballs, King Sombra wants to see you."

"Tell your king I'm not going anywhere until I'm finished with my manscaping." he replied.

*As legend had it, when Blueballs was born, a goddess dipped him into a river that would make him indestructible. But since she was holding him by his little foal balls, his nutsack remained vulnerable to the sword.*

Blueballs exited the tent into the open desert wearing his armor with the colt trailing behind him, "Blueballs! Your swords." he handed over two shortswords which Blueballs then took.

As the warrior made his way to the chariot the colt had to ask, "are those stories about you true?"

"That I wax my ass?"

"No."

"That I banged my mom by accident one time when we were both wasted?" Blueballs turned around, "so what? We're both single."

The colt shook his head slowly with a horrified look on his face, "no, not that... this Great and Big Bitch chick, she's the biggest pony I've ever seen, I wouldn't wanna fight her"

Blueballs sighed, "well, that's why nopony will remember your name."

"... I don't wanna fight her cause I'm only ten years old."

"Ya well... whatever pussy." Blueballs walked back to his chariot.

"Ya well the only reason anypony will remember you is cause your named after whats inside my nutsack jerkoff!"

XXXXX

Blueballs' chariot finally arived at the war sight where Sombra stood tapping his hoof with crossed arms, "well look who decided to join us!"

"Eat me." Blueballs retorted.

"Why you got to be such a premadona?"

Blueballs glared, "you know what? I don't need this shit." and began to head back to his chariot.

"Blueballs wait!" Sombra called out halting the stallion's path.

"Look at the stallion's faces."

Blueballs looked over towards the ugly ass soldiers, "ugh, good lord..."

"You! And only you can send them back to their pathetic families with a single swing of your sword."

Blueballs sighed and stood for a few moments before heading towards the chariot to grab his swords.

Sombra crossed his arms and grumbled, "he's such an asshole..."

Blueballs grabbed his twin swords and began charging towards Great Big Bitch; the first spear thrown at him was dodged as he hopped into the air doing the splits. He front flipped over the second thrown spear and deftly spun to his left to dodge the third spear.

"You mother fucker!" Great Big Bitch roared out as her layers of fat jiggled.

Blueballs continued a series of highly unnecessary arcrobatics until he backflipped behind Trixie and landed with both swords piercing through her back.

Great Big Bitch snarled and jiggled as she fell to the ground causing a minor earthquakee while she died. Blueballs retrieved his swords and turned back towareds the Crystal Ponies, "is there nopony else?! IS THERE NOPONY ELSE?!"

A series of clanking shields sounded as a skinny nerd was shoved out passed the the front lines while he cried, "stop it you dicks!"

Blueballs lowered his swords, "I didn't think so."

The Crystal general stared down at the warrior, "who are you soldier?"

Blueballs whipped around to face the speaker, "Blueballs," he answered, "the greatest warrior that ever lived."

"And the hunkiest too." a voice called out form the line of soldiers. Blueballs turned towards the line to see a stallion licking his lips.

"Pussy." Blueballs spat before walking away.

XXXXX

Back within the depths of 'you don't need to know where' desert, act two scene 4 begins with a nightime setting within Sombra's way too fucking big castle and a feast of celebration.

*After conquering the Crystal Ponies, Sombra was now an even bigger threat to Troy. And so, Celestia met up with her brother in law Shining Armor at King Sombra's post victory party to kiss Sombra's ass. but with no tongue, 'cause this silly fruitcup would probably like that shit.*

Sombra raised a cup at the feast table, "on behalf of myself and my beautiful young wife Cadence. We welcome you to Greece."

Celestia raised her own mug of beer in salute. And then she noticed Sombra and Shining's eyes meet, seeing some sort of wierd vibe going on she shifted her eyes between the two.

"Let us drink as friends!" Sombra called out as everypony present gave a toast.

"As friends!" Celestia responded and brought the mug to her mouth before quietly adding, "at least until one of us fucks the other over."

Sombra's smile dissapeared.

Celestia sensing that she was about to -once again- fuck everything up quickly added, "oh no! I was kidding, it was a joke you know..."

Cadence spat out her drink as she began laughing hysterically prompting Celestia to smile, "see? She gets it!"

Cadence waved a boar leg at her, "you fucker!" she laughed out.

Celestia laughed in response, "you fucker!"

Cadence's eyes then locked with Shining's the two of them began lickign their lips and making extremely lewd gestures towards oneanother.

Celestia blinked at the blatant treachery and quickly leaned in to whisper, "Shining! That's Sombra's wife!"

"Iiiiii know that..." Shining responded.

"Well, could you BE any less subtle?!" Celestia snapped.

"...I could try." and with that, Shining rose from the table and followed Cadence upsatairs causing Celestia to throw her arms up in exasperation before taking a swig of beer, "fucking douchebag..."

Upstairs in Cadence's room, the Alicorn was brushing her mane infront of a mirror as Shining entered into the room.

Cadence gasped in a stereotypical fashion, "you shouldn't be here..."

Shining smiled coyly, "that's what you said last night."

Cadence shifted adorably inplace, "last night I was rolling on E."

Shining stepped closer, "and the night before that?"

Cadence shifted slightly further away, "I think I was pretty drunk..."

Shining finally caught up to his prize and grabbed the back of her dress, "ya you were pretty wasted." he chuckled.

"Well I've been messed up all week..." Cadence blushed even through her pink coat.

"I know." Shining responded as he undid Cadence's dress and dropped the fabric to the floor, "this is the best spring break EVER!"

"Oh Shining!" Cadence shivered.

Back downstairs...

Celestia and Sombra were continuing to eat when suddenly feminine moaning began to ring throughout the room.

Sombra furrowed his brows as he looked up at the ceiling. Celestia's eyes darted around as she quickly formulated a plan, "oh! Oh yes! This boar is fantastic! Oh yea!" she moaned as she continued to eat.

Sombra smiled and nodded.

Celestia threw the boar back onto her plate and grumbled.

Back upstairs...

Cadence and Shining both jumped up and down on Cadence's bed while giggling. "Shining you're amazing! I never would have thought of putting this top with this skirt! You have a real eye for fashion."

Shining giggled femininely, "oh my gosh are you for cereal?"

"Well, better than any guy I've ever met, that's for certain!" Cadence responded.

Shining laughed, "oh I am so messed up right now but I LOVE hanging out with you!"

"Me too!" Cadence squeeled.

"Oh! I have the best idea! I have the best idea... you should come back to Troy with me!" Shining suggested.

"Okie dokie let's not get crazy here..." Cadence sat down on the bed and Shining joined her.

"No I'm serious it'll be so much fun! I have a HUGE trustfund"

Cadence tilted her head, "how huge?"

"It's pretty big," Shining answered, "If you come back with me it'll probably break the peace between Greece and Troy, millions of ponies will die and the gods will curse us for ever, we'll get burned alive, yadah yadah but it's been a GREAT week."

"It has!" Cadence giggled.

"Plus, it'll keep my dad from thinking that I like guys." Shining added.

Cadence furrowed her brows, "but what about the other day when I caught you watching the gaurd pee?"

"I mean listen, I'm deffinitely going through some sort of experimental phaze right now... but I like chicks." Shining responded quickly.

Cadence stared blankly at him.

"No I do I like chicks, I totally like chicks... especially chicks with a keen sense of style like you! Look at that!" Shining assured.

"aw you're sweet." Cadence slapped his thigh.

"So come back with me? Please, please, Pleeaaaase?" he asked with puppy dog eyes.

Cadence sighed as she thought it over, "well... it could be kinda hot to have a war fought over me... so... count me in!"

END OF CHAPTER 1 BITCHES!


	2. WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS!

Chapter 2, WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS

Celestia's small enterourage had settled into a ship headed back for Troy, Celestia was curenly tossing a grape into the air before whacking it with the flat of her sword.

She grabbed a second grape and attempted to reapeat the process only to lose grip of the sword sending it flying into the water, "oops..."

"Hello!" Shining chirped as he walked up, "... Greeks sure know how to party huh?"

"Yep..." Celestia responded somewhat awkwardly.

"... I love you." Shining said randomly.

Celestia blinked, "thanks?"

"Do you love me too?"

"Where you going with this?"

Shining held his hands out, "OK I need to tell you something but you need to promise me that you won't be mad OK? So, put up your pinkie and we'll do a pinkie swear."

Celestia blinked... she rose her pinkie up to Shining sown outstreteched finer feeling like a douche the entire time.

Shining pulled a tarp off a small section of the boat revealing Cadence.

Celestia's eyes widened, "oh shit! BACK TO GREECE!"

"NO! No Celestia please wait!" Shining pleaded.

"Ugh, HOLD ON!" she yelled out to the sailor.

Shining stared deeply into the general's eyes, "I am in love with her!"

"Shining, you've been rolling on Ecstacy for a week you love everypony!" Celestia roared in his face.

"That's totally true... but this one is for real." Shining assured with a comedic seriousness to his voice.

Celestia facepalmed, "Shining, when the Greeks find out," Shining grabbed her breast and she knocked his hand away, "that Cadence is missing, they are going to shit-" she smacked his hand away again, "Shining, up here!" she directed his eyes towards her face, "this is how wars get started dude!"

"Well if you take her back, then guess what buddy, I'm going to! Because this is the mare that I love!" his voice spiked and he began sobbing, "and I love you too!" he hugged her tight and balled his eyes out.

Celestia patted his head, "awww you're still rolling on E aren't you?"

"No! Yes! I don't know!" Shining sobbed as he swayed in place.

"Look dude, I promised your dad and Twilight that I wold be responsible on this trip and keep the peace with Greece OK? And I'm pretty sure your dad knows that I'm the one that got drunk and took a shit in the sink so I can NOT fuck this up!" Celestia revealed.

Shining got on his kneese and begged, "Celestia please!"

"Shining! Are you gonna let Troy get all fucked up over some skank?!" Celestia gestured towards a barely dressed Cadence who stood in a very suggestive position barely keeping her clothes on.

Celestia stared in stunned silence while Shining gave her a 'see?' look.

"Aw fuck it, TO TROY!"

XXXXX

Celestia, Luna, Shining Armor, and Cadence all stood within King Loopy's throne room at mid day.

"Daddy, this is Cadence." he introduced.

Loopy blinked a few times as she held her hand out, "Cadence of Greece?"

"No not anymore," Shining corrected, "Cadence of Troy!"

Loopy kissed Cadence's hand.

Celestia quickly spoke up, "I had no idea she was aboard King Loopy I swear!"

"SOUND THE HORNS! MY SON'S BANGING A CHICK!" Loopy called out ecstatically, "IT'S PARTY TIME! GREAT NEWS! Welcome to Troy my dear."

"Thank you my King." Cadence responded curteously.

Luna frowned, "forgive me sire, but this could mean war."

Celestia nodded eagerly as she agreed with her sister -for once-.

"Oh fuck that! Focus on what's important! My son's no fag, he don't gobble no goup!"

Shining shook his head, "no, no sireee, I like... vagina... vagina, vagina, vagina..."

"My vagina." Cadence added.

"Her vagina." Shining agreed, "the bearded clam, the axe wound."

"Ya the ol' honey pot!" Celestia threw in.

"The love box." Cadence added.

"The ham pocket." Celestia continued.

Shining started laughing, "the beef curtain."

Celestia nodded, "ya the old fish taco, the bear trap, the growler."

Cadence nodded as well, "the pair of flaps."

"The tuna tunnel." Luna added.

"The penis place." Shining finished.

King Loopy began guiding Cadence out of the room, "come on let's get you settled in my dear. Hey son! This is a Tripple A piece of ass! Whoo hoo!"

XXXXX

*Meanwhile, King Sombra prepared for war.*

Sombra stood out in the 'you don't need to no where' desert amonggst a circle of columns watching Blueballs and his cousine Derpy spar.

*But he needed the help of his top earner Blueballs who was training with his cousine Derpy. Derpy emulated Blueballs in every way... except one way...*

Derpy's tongue stuck out of her mouth as her eyes crossed in different directions while she swung her wooden sword around blindly. Blueballs moved in and whacked her on the top of the head with the flat of the wooden blade.

"Ow! Fucker!"

"Hahahah! Come on Derpy! Take it like a stallion!"

"Blueballs!" Sombra called out.

Blueballs signaled to halt the sparing and turned towards the too damn tall Unicorn, "what do you want?" he asked with a frown.

Sombra took a bide form the grape bundle he was holding, "I want to help us fight the Trojans."

"What are we fighting for this time?" Blueballs inquired.

"The prince stole my wife and dishonored Greece!" Sombra replied as he grust the graped in his hand.

Blueballs laughed, "why should I care about your whore wife?"

Sombra rolled his eyes, "because you will get a lot of glory and ponies will remember your name... and not just because it's named after a cockblock syndrome."

"Glory huh?" Blueballs asked, intrest piqued.

"Mhm." Sombra nodded.

"How much glory we talking about here?" Blueballs inquired.

"Big, a lot. Like echoing throughout eternity type shit." Sombra answered.

Derpy smiled, "ya! You could have a deli sandwich named after you!" she said gidily in her airy voice.

"Shut up Derpy!" Blueballs yelled and then turned back to Sombra, "allright... alright I'm in, but only as long as I get my mother's permision first."

XXXXX

Inside Rarity's tent...

"Rarity, your son is here." one of Lady Rarity's servants infromed.

Blueballs walked up to his mother, "hi mom."

"Son." she responded.

"You look really hot."

"Thanks."

*Even if she WAS my mom, I'd fuck her.*

"So," Rarity began, "you want my opinion on weather or not to fight the Trojans?"

"How did you know that?" Blueballs tilted his head.

"A mother knows. If you go to Troy and fight, you will have glory." Rarity informed.

Bluballs smiled.

"But you'll die." She added.

Blueballs crossed his arms, "ya... I figured as much..."

Rarity rubbed his arms, "but if you stay here, we could pretend to be just friends, mother and son, whatever. And it can get really hot. Like that time on New Years?"

Blueballs cringed, "ya uh, I'm not really sure I'm OK with that... I think I'm gonna go."

Rarity frowned, "but we're only five years apart! Alexanderhoof the great's mother was six months younger than he!"

"Mom, two wrongs don't make a right..." Blueballs backed away a bit.

Rarity closed the distance, "that depends on how wrong you're willing to be. I want you inside me!"

Blueballs backed away yet again, "I was inside you mom... for nine months..." and then he quickly scurried away."

"So what! You just fuck me and chuck me?! You son of a bitch!"

XXXXX

Back in Troy within Celestia's private chambers...

"I can't believe you screwed this up!" Twilight shrieked.

"Me?! Oh come on! Shining's the one who brought the skank home! Besides your dad's happy, you're the only one who's pissed." Celestia defended.

Twilight glared, "my dad is out of his fucking mind Celestia! Now he's gonna think that Shining isn't a fudge packer and he's gonna make HIM king!" She walked over to her dresser and picked up a tiara, "and I just spent a fortune on this crown!"

Celestia walked over to her wife, "well look Twilight, once King Sombra finds out that Shining stole his wife, there won't be a Troy for anypony to be king or queen of anyways!"

Twilight deadpaned, she tossed the tiara on the bed and walked over t the window.

Celestia closed the distance, "oh come on! You know what, I bet Sombra gets so much trim he won't even miss her!"

Twilight turned back to face Celestia with a twitching eye and began walking towards her with such an aura that Celestia started backing up, "you. Had better. Make this right."

Eventually Celestia fell down into a chair and mumbled, "I don't know what you want me to do about it..."

"Go ask the Ugly Fuckers how to fix this and prove yourself in my father's eyes." Twilight suggested. "and if... everything goes acording to plan... I will finally let you..." she leaned down and whispered into Celestia's ear.

Celestia's eyes widened and she sat there for a few silent moments... "... bye!" Celestia charged out the room headed for the Ugly Fuckers.

XXXXX

Up atop a high mountain in the 'go fuck yourself I'm too lazy to come up with a name' canyon; Celestia arrived within the temple of the Ugly Fucker prophets.

*And so Celestia went to see the Ugly Fuckers, they were some gross diseased low life sons of bitches who claimed to consult directly with the gods, either that or they were just high as shit.*

Celestia walked up to two deformed stallions, Snips and Snails with boils riddling their faces, "hello Ugly Fuckers." she chirped.

"Hello General Celestia Futarius." they responded in raspy voices.

"You guys are looking good, looks like this is clearing up a bit since last time I saw you, especially that one right. There." she poked a boil on Snip's face.

"Ow! Ok, not cool..."

And with that, Celestia invited herself into the temple.

"Won't you come in?" Snails asked sarcastically as Snips flipped her off from behind.

Inside the temple several hot mares danced on stripper polls while the smell of kush filled the room.

*The thing about the Ugly Fuckers is, you may not get what you came for, but if you play your cards right, you might get your balls drained.*

Celestia looked around at the deformed stallions getting high as they watched the pole dancers, "so what's the deal here? These girls can only channel the gods while you guys are perving on them?"

"Yep!" Snips said as he nodded, "basically."

"Wow, pretty good shit." Celestia commented.

"Yes, that was all me!" Snails said proudly.

"Alright good," Celestia got on with business, "so let's get down to brass tax, I fucked over King Sombra pretty bad and uh, now thtere's probably gonna be a big war..." she became highly distracted as Cheerilee danced quite erotically with Berry Punch.

"And uh... my wife's gonna be... super pis..." Snips snapped his fingers a few times in Celestia's face to regain his attention. "Ya so, I need your help."

"Let us consult, the ORACLE!" Snips held his hand out towards a hallway.

Now infront of a large stage, a pink coated mare danced lucidly with open could sky behind her.

Snips and Snais gave nods that said 'awwww yeeeaaaahhh'

Celestia nodded and rolled her hand making a 'ya hurry up' gesture until the Oracle turned around revealing Cadence.

"CADENCE?!" Celestia squaked. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

Cadence blinked, "please don't tell Shining... I-" "Wait a minute how'd you even get this job? You've been in Troy like an hour and a half!"

Cadence shifted her eyes left and right, "friend of a friend..."

The two stallions nodded eagerly.

Suddenly a voice called out on a speaker system, "Cadence, report to pole three."

Cadence chuckled nervously, "heh well, gotta go, my turn on the pole."

"Oh, OK well... I... guess I'll see you at the castle..." Celestia waved awkwardly and turned to the stallions, "anyway it's wierd she's kinda family I'll explain it, long story. Anyway now what?"

Snips blinked, "now what, what?"

Celestia blinked, "I need the gods' guidance?"

Snips and Snails both nodded, "let us consult the ORACLE!"

"The Oracle just left!" Celestia cried.

"There are others." Snails informed.

"... How many others?" Celestia asked.

Snips answered, "like seven."

"Wow..."

Five minutes later...

Celestia stood with her mouth slightly agape and her face contorted into shocked disgust as she watched Sunset Shimmer lying on her back be defiled by Snips and Snails.

Snips and Snails both ran their tongues along Sunset's naked body as she shuddered, "I really should have stayed in school." she muttered.

"Poor thing..." Celestia commented.

Snips leaned up, "you know what I like."

Sunset cringed, "do you really want me too?"

Snips nodded, Sunset brought her hands up to his face and pinched one of the boils with her thumbs.

Celestia gawked as puss shot out from the boil onto Sunset Shimmer's face.

"Aw yeah..." Snips said as he lolled a tongue out of his mouth.

Sunset began to cry.

Celestia shook her head, "that's fucking sad and gross at the same time."

XXXXX

Snips and Snails were back in the main pole dancer room sitting at a table while smoking some sticky icky.

Celestia sat down at the seat, "so what's the verdict?"

Snips blinked, "verdict about what?"

Celestia groaned, "about what I'm supposed to do to save Troy from the Greeks!"

Snips pointed at her, "right!" and then he made a jerk off gesture, "that." him and Snails began laughing.

Celestia sighed, "right, really mature, great..." Snails offered a blunt, "no I don't want any."

"Pussy." Snails replied.

Snips got serious again, "the gods say that you must team up with a white horse with wings."

"... I am a white horse with wings... and a horn... and a rainbow ethereal mane and tail... and a vagina and a dick..."

Snails began snickering as Snips went on, "And you have to team up with an owl made of gold, then you have to cut the head off Madeusa."

Snails began pounding the table as his snickering went out of control.

Celestia blinked, "what the fuck is a 'Madeusa'?"

Snails finally spoke up wiping a tear from his eye, "no, no, no, no, he's just fucking with you!"

"Oh hah... that' hilarous..." Celestia didn't seem very amused.

"I have an idea." Snips stated, "pick a numbe between one and tenthousand."

Celestia furrowed her brows, "what? Uhh... hmm... I guess uh... 300?"

Snips turned to Snails, "three hundred?" Snails nodded, "boom. That's it."

Celestia shook her head, "what? What's it?"

Snails laughed, "brony, you fucking nailed it!"

"Nailed what?! What are you guys talking about?!" Celestia shouted throwing her hands up in the air.

Snips clarified, "the gods say... that Celestia Futarius must fight the Greeks with three hundred soldiers."

Celestia gapped like a fish, "wait WHAT?! THREE HUNDRED SOLDIERS?! Against King Sombra's million pony army?! Are you fucking nuts?!"

"That gods say that anypony can beat the Greeks with a whole Trojan army." Snips informed as Snails slapped Celestia's arm, "but only a real Gneral fit to be King can win... with only three hundred guys."

Celesita facepalmed, "that makes no sense."

"You make no sense." Snips countered.

"Are you challenging the gods?!" Snails accused.

"Ugh, whatever, look I just have one quesiton, is it three hundred ponies plus me or including me?"

Snips shook his head, "it's the gods, don't overthink it."

Celestia had had enought, she got up from her seat, "this is fucking ridiculous."

As Celestia left, Snips added, "Oh and the gods also say that their costumes have to be super faggy!"

Snips and Snails burst out laughing as Celestia flipped them both off while she walked away.

XXXXX

"Aou!" Three hundred Pegasi landed their spears into the sand outside of Troy with Spartan shields at their sides and wearing nothing but pink lace underwear and capes with bronze horseshoes and helmets.

"so?" Shining asked, "don't they look wonderful?"

Celestia grumbled as she fiddled with her cape, "like we don't got enought gay shit going on here."

Shining nodded, "that's a good point, we don't. I'll get on that."

Behind a column, a small creature pocked his head out when suddenly Luna's hand landed on its shoulder. "Gotcha!"

The midget Zebra turned around to face the Alicorn, "wanna take those long ass arms off me?"

"Excuse me?" Luna retorted.

The Zebra midget knoced her hand away, "fuck with me." he dared in a nonchalant voice.

Luna picked him up, "you're coming with me." and brought him over to Shining and Celestia.

Celestia turned to the small stallion, "oh, and who do we have here?"

"I found him hiding behind a column." Luna responded.

The Zebra turned towards Luna, "I wasn't hiding, I'm 3 foot tall you asshole!" and then turned to Celestia, "General, my name is Minority."

*Minority... his mom actually named him that...*

Celestia blinked, "your mom actually named you that? Wow what a bitch."

"Yes she is." Minority replied, "I'm a son of Troy, and I wanna hlep kick some Greek ass HUH!"

Luna laughed, "hua, that was cute."

Celestia frowned, "hey that's not cute, come on show him some respect, he's pretty tough for a little guy."

"Than you general, my mother hid me my entire life and I spent it making myself one with the spear." he grabbed Luna's spear and gave a few thrusts, "huh huh huh!"

Shinin smiled, "wow, that was a nice thrust."

"And watch this!" Minority did a little dance, "ya like that?"

"Wow, I like that a lot!" "Nice moves." "Good rhythm."

Minority reached into this pocket sack and pulled something out, "here take this." he handed the object over.

"What is it?" Celestia inquired.

"I call it fried chicken, try it; it's fucking delicious!" Minorty answered.

Celestia took a bite, "mm! You know what? This IS fuckin delicious!"

"General Celestia!" called a pony from off screen who now entered via stage right, "we've spotted the Greeks! Attacking by sea!"

"Let's go get 'em!" Minority exclaimed as he rushed forward but Celestia put her hand infront of him, "woah, hold on there buddy, you're not coming with us."

"Why?! Beause I'm a Zebra?"

"What?! No! No, what kind of asshole do you think I am? NO ofcourse not." Celestia replied.

"... it's because I'm a little person right?"

"Wha... no... no..."

"Well what is it then?!"

Celestia stared at Minority for a few moments, then looked to Shining and Luna who only stared silently back... "OK, it's because you're a Zebra."

"You know what? Fuck ya'll! Especially you Celestia! You better watch your back, and give me my fried chicken back you mother fucker!" he snatched the food out of Celestia's hand and stormed off grumbling to himself.

A few awkward moments passed... then Luna spoke up; "I think we should prepare for battle general."

Celestia looked around, "we're prepared, everypony's here, we're good."

"Tia, you don't have a helmet or a sword." Luna said with a deadpan.

"Well... I don't know, swords over... somewhere over there in the weeds or something, we got shit loads of swords." Celestia.

"You're not prepared for battle." Luna.

"You know what? Why don't YOU prepare for battle?" Celestia.

"Should I prepare for battle?" Shining Armor.

"You should definitely not prepare for battle. YOU should prepare for battle." Luna.

"Look, why don't you just let him prepare for battle?" Celestia.

"He will NEVER prepare for battle." Luna. Luna turned to the soldiers, "PREPARE FOR BATTLE!"

"HUA!"

XXXXX

Blueballs, Derpy, and a small contingent of stallions rode upon a boat leagues ahead of the rest of the naval army.

Blueballs lay upon a hammock within the boatresting while Derpy walked up next to him with her crossed eyes and a giddy expression on her face, "my first fight! I'm so excited! Thanks for bringing me cousine, I'll make you proud!" she began whiping her sword around chaotically, "I'll be whipping out some sick sword combo moves!" she exclaimed with pauses betwen moves as her impared mind tried to keep up with her words, "There'll be... dead Trojans EVERYWHERE!"

"Actually," Blueballs cut in, "you'll be staying in the boat."

"Are you serious?!" Derpy shouted.

"I can't fight and watch your ass at the same time." Blueballs responded.

Derpy scowled, "that is such bullshit!" and threw her sword to the ground before turning and sitting down at the side of the boat whilst crossing her arms.

Blueballs sighed and shook his head before laying back down and closing his eyes again.

On the other side of the boat filled with Greece's top warriors, among them was a red coated Unicorn stallion with amber yellow mane and tail with shiny black eyes and a red Dragon with yellow spines nad dark brown eyes.

Croth the Dragon spoke up, "OK, Blueballs? Are you sure you don't uh, wanna wait for everypony elese?"

Grotimnos the Unicorn sighed as Croth continued, "I mean, we're only ten dudes on a boat here..."

Blueballs sighed as he stood up and faced the ponies and dragon, "look, ya, there might be thousands of them with bows and arrows; and they'll have a strategic advantage over us because they'll be attacking from an elevated plane. And ya, our goal of taking over the beach might be easier if we wait for the thousand ships behind us."

Croth and Grotimnos looked behind them at the naval army.

"But we're not just, ten dudes..." Blueballs flexed his muscles, "were ten TOUGH dudes!"

The stallions gave out battle cries.

"Am I right?!"

They gave out another cry.

"do you know what's beyond that beach?" Blueballs asked.

"An open bar!" Grotimnos offered.

"No, but I like the way you think." Bluballs replied.

"Hot Trojan pony ass?" Groty tried again.

"More gay shit?" the pony behind him guessed.

"Who said that?!" Bluballs snapped.

"Definitely him not me." Groty pointed towards the pony behind him.

Croth groaned, "what then?!"

"IMMORTALITY! TAKE IT! IT'S YOURS!" Blueballs cried.

The stallions gave war cries and pounded their spears.

Croth sighed again, "alright, Blueballs I hate to be 'that guy' but"

"Well you're being that guy!" Groty cut him off.

"Well I'm sorry but I'm trying to think of things rationally." Croth shot back.

"Whenever somepony says they don't wanna be that guy, they become that guy." Groty.

Croth looked back to Blueballs, "look, we are most likely going to be REALLY outnumbered and don't you think it'd be a good idea if we waited to attack with everypony else? So that we can have and edge and not suffer casualties to our greatest fighters?"

"Well just remember," Blueballs began, "they'll remember your name when your'e gone."

"WHO?" Croth.

"They." Blueballs.

"Who's they?" Croth.

"Other ponies." Blueballs.

"Why do I care if other ponies I've never met remember my name after I'm gone?" Croth.

"Will you talk to your buddy?" Blueballs said to Grotimnos.

Groty turned towards Croth, "Croth."

"Groty."

"Croth."

"Groty."

"Croth."

"Groty."

"Croth."

"Groty."

"Croth. He is Blueballs, he knows what he's doing. What could possibly go wrong in OH SHIT!" Groty jumped as an arrow sunk right into Croth's chest above his studded leather armor.

Another arrow then struck Groty in his own open chest groaning as he fell to the ground.

Croth turned towards Blueballs with a pained expression as more and more arrows littered the dragon, "nice strategy asshole..." he said in a strained voice before falling down beside Groty."

Hundreds more arrows assailed all of the tough fighters fell to the ground on the boat dead.

"Aw shit!" Blueballs said as he stomped. Only him and Derpy had survied the hail of arrows.

"Shit, shit, shit, SHIT!"

Groty slowly turned his blood covered head toward Croth, "dude... you were totally right..."

"I know..."

"You don't have to be a dick about it..."

"I wasn't..." they both died.

XXXXX

"Just stay still..." Shining said as he finished painted two thick blue stripes on Celestia's face making her look like a certain barbarian in a certian movie with a certain title involving the words brave and heart. "and walah! You are looking good and ready to go! I love it, it's stylish, it's scary but it's sexy and intimidating."

Luna sighed nearby as she stood with her helmet, spear, and shield. "yea all you need is a dress..." she mumbled.

"What was that?" Celestia asked as she quirked her head.

Luna 'ahemed' "I said... you should... address the ponies... most great... general."

"I am a great general." Celestia said quickly.

Shining nodded, "two seconds, I'll be right back."

"Ya take your time." Luna responded.

"ya 'cause this is going to take a while." Celestia responded, "it's gonna be that good."

"pff."

"tch."

"pff.

"tch." Luna walked away.

Celestia shook her head and looked out to the brave stallions before her, "OK boys, not much of a speech gal but uh, here goes! Well I guess the big question is, why are we here? Truth is we could probably just give up and uh, run away and uh, live to see another day. Oh, that rhymed."

The ponies laughed weekily.

"And yes, run, and you'll live... you might actually realize a lot of your hopes and reams and do some of the pretty cool shit you've always wanted to do. Like Rainbow Dash, I know that you've been wanting to go on that fishing trip with your daughter right? But uh, if you die today then that'll never happen and then uh... you're daughter will grow up without a mother and she will probably become a whore in some crappy strip club with some dude twice your age draggin his sticky hairy junk accross her titties for two bits."

As Celestia continued on, Twilight facepalmed from atop the Trojan wall. Next to her sitting in the throne was King Loopy and to his right was Cadence. Shining Armor walked in from a nearby hallway.

Cadence looked over at Shining, "what are you doing?" she whispered in exasperation.

"What does it look like? I'm going to fight!" Shining responded somewhat offended.

Twilight snickered, "is the Trojan army taking little fillies now?"

Shining gave his sister a deadpan, "no, I'm a stallion and this is what stallions do! I'm tired of my father thinking I'm a pansy."

King Loopy looked towards Shining, "Shining my colt, come here."

"Yes daddy?" Shining responded as he leaned in; Loopy pulled out a sheathed beautiful sword before continuing, "This is the Trojan sword, as long as a Trojan holds it, we have a homeland. But if you lose it in battle then we become a homeless dirty, wondering tribe of savages; no pressure intended my colt. But can you handle it?"

Shining smiled, "yes, thank you dad."

Loopy smiled back, "now go and kill some hairy ass Greeks!"

Shining hurriedly made his way out of the wall.

Loopy turned towards a nearby guard, "guard, when he gets his pansy ass killed, bring me that sword."

The guard nodded before following after Shining.

Back down infront of the soldiers...

"And Fluttershy! You always wanted to take that pottery class right? And learn to cook." Celestia said.

"Yes! I cook for everypony!"

"YEA! Except now, instead of spaghettie and meatballs, it's gonna be spaghettie and you're fucking dead!"

Fluttershy's head drooped as she began sniffling.

XXXXX

Down infront of the beaches of Troy, King Sombra's armies gathered and prepared for war. King Sombra himself was within his royal tent when Blueballs walked in.

"Sombra!" He walked up to the god-king, "we gotta talk."

"So talk." Sombra replied.

"What's with that piece of shit tent you gave me?"

"It's all we had in the budget." Sombra replied again.

"Ya well you don't get it do you? When this is all said and done, all they're gonna remember is Blueballs!"

"Oh please, you're just a soldier, I'm a god-king! That's like two things!" Sombra revealed.

"Oh is that right?!" Blueballs challenged.

Sombra looked to the guards, "ya that's... that's two things right? Ya, two things."

"Well then I'm out." Sombra's smile dissapeared. "Until you've grown to have Blueballs back, you're on your own!" he jabbed a finger in Sombra's chest.

Sombra's eyes filled with rage, "Only King Sombra can refer to himself in the third person!"

Blueballs shoved his face into Sombra's, quite difficult considering the height difference, "Blueballs can too!"

"Stop getting in my face!" Sombra roared back.

"What's a matter? Don't you like having Blueballs in your face?!" Blueballs moved his head around in Sombra's vision.

"Well not usually... but in this instance yes!" Sombra shouted back.

Blueballs scowled, then he grabbed Sombra's nipples and gave him a purple nurple.

"HAAAAAA!" Sombra screemed femininely.

"Now you can watch Blueballs walk away."

Blueballs turned to leave, "come one Derpy! Let's go."

Derpy stared at Sombra through her misaligned eyes and in her airy voice she said, "King Sombra, you're a douchebag!" before leaving behind her cousine.

Sombra fumed, "I hate that fucking indestructible asshole and his retarted cousine... how are they even related? They have different coat collors and they're not even the same race!" and then turned towards one of his guards before yelling out, "take me to mee tthe Trojan general!"

XXXXX

Shining Armor walked up next to Celestia who stood infront of the ranks of soldiers. He leaned in toward his sister in law and whispered, "hi."

Celestia blinked before turning back to him, "...hey..." then she saw his weapon, "... is that the Trojan sword?"

Shining beamed as he drew the sword, "yep, my daddy gave it to me, I'm going to be a hero-WOAH!" the sudden heft of the blade as it was fully drawn caused Shining to nearly fall over.

Luna stared at the spectacle... "well, this'll be fun..."

After Shining sheathed the blade, Celestia looked at the splotch of blue pain on his face, "... why'd you draw a dick on your face?"

"... it's not a dick it's a sword..."

"... why does it have balls?"

"That's the handle."

"... whatever..." Celestia looked forward to the approaching army withher helmet under her arm, "well... let's go see how pissed this guy is." and lead Shining towards the center of the open field infront of Troy's walls.

Luna sighed, "we're so fucked..."

Sombra came riding in on a wyvern drawn carriage towards Celestia and Shining with a small contingent of guards behind him.

Celestia whispered to Shining, "remember, whatever you do, don't let this guy know how scared shitless we OK?"

Shining tilted his head, "Oh my gosh that chariot is gorgeous."

"... ya it's pretty nice..."

At last they met at the center of the battlefield.

"He Sombra!" Celestia chirped.

"We meet again, Celestia Futarius." Sombra said as he met Celestia's eyes, he was probably the only other pony Celestia's height.

Sombra circled around Celestia and put his hands on her shoulders, "I came to reclaime my property."

"OK hold on there brony, not gonna lie, kind creeping me out a bit..." Celestia said nervously.

Sombra tightened his grip, "how bout now?"

"OH! Actually that kinda feels good, as you can imagine this whole thing has made me very tense."

"I can feel the tention! You hold it in your shoulder." Sombra informed.

"You know, that's what my massage therapist says, can you do one of those circular things? OH wowah... you sir have the hands of a god-king." "I AM a god-king!" Sombra said sternly berfore returning to his former position.

Up high on the Trojan walls...

"Doesn't Celestia look like a born leader?" Twilight asked her father with a shimmering smile, "with me at her side, she could become a great King."

King Loopy sighed before turning towards Cadence, "Cadence?"

"Yes King Loopy?"

"Come sit on my lap so I can fondle you while we watch Shining Armor getting his ass kicked."

"OK!" Cadence chirped.

Back down on the battlefield...

"That... sure is... a lot of guys you got..." Celestia said dumbly.

"My archers will block out the sun with their arrows!" Sombra informed proudly.

Shining smiled, 'that's actually prefferable for me 'cause I freckle very easily."

"Oh..." Sombra replied and the two stallionos once again engaged in a strange sereis of looks that had Celestia shifting her gaze between the two with a raised eye brow.

Celestia shook her head, "look, I was thinking, instead of all of this war and what not, maybe you and I could just work it out you know?"

"If you get down on your kneese!" Somrbra said holding up a clenched fist, "and Kneele before Sombra! And give Cadence back to me, then I will only enslave your stallions and rape your mares twice... once..." he looked back to his soldiers, "we'll rape them one time... you don't want to wear them out."

Celestia looked up at her wife atop the wall who made gestures and mouthed out, 'never kneele!' befor giving Celestia a thumbs up.

Celestia nodded with a brave smile as epic music began to play out of nowhere, "sorry, but a Trojan never knee-SHINING WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!"

Shining Armor was currently kneeling with his face infront of Sombra's waist.

Shining blinked, "Oh my gosh... I'm so sorry." he got up.

"SORRY?!" Celestia's eye twitched, "What are you trying to suck his cock or something?!"

"I thought that's what he wanted!" Shining hid behind Celestia blushing madly.

Sombra looked up at Cadence gaping, "HOW THE HELL COULD YOU LEAVE ME FOR THIS?! FOR THIS GUY?!"

Cadence stepped up to the edge of the wall, "I was banging half your guys before I left you ASSHOLE!"

Celesita's eyes widened, "oh shit..."

Sombra looked back at his soldiers who began shifting uncomfortably in place.

Sombra pointed to a stallion, "you! Come here!" the stallion shakilly walked over, "you fuck my wife?" he quickly shook his head no, "if you tell me the truth, no harm will come to you... you fuck my wife? You fucked her." Sombra grabbed the stallion's sword and pulled it out before using it to impail the pony through his armor like it was nothing and ripped the blade out putting it in the stallion's hand as he fell to the ground dead.

"HOLY SHIT!" Celestia exclaimed, "Dude you gotta chill! Please can't we just talk this out?!" she pleaded.

"NO MORE TALKING! Now it is time for the maming and the killing! Although I love this makeup job." Sombra gestured to Celestia' war paint.

"OH! I did that!" Shining said proudly.

"Oh well... coolios..."

Once again the two gave eachother a strange set of stairs that cause Celestia to look back and forth between them.

Sombra pointed at Celestia, "YOU! Are going down! LET'S DO THIS!" and with that, he ran back to his chariot.

Shining turned towards Celestia, "I think that went well."

Celestia face palmed as Sombra stood ontop of his chariot and held his hands up, "AAAAATTAAAACCCKK!"

Greeks and Trojans alike grabbed their shields and hoisted their weapons forward.

*The stage was set for the biggest battle of all time, the Trojans had the high ground, the Greeks had way more guys, all that stood between Troy and oblivion was Celestia and her three hundred.*

Celestai stood alongside Luna infront of the three hundred soldiers, plus a pansy ass bitch named Shining Armor, and hled her sword high in the air, "hoooooolllllld!"

The Greeks drew closer.

"Hoooollllld!"

The Greeks got even closer.

"Hooolll-" "We know to hold!" Luna shouted at her, "they're still hundreds of yards away. Contstantly repeating yourself is just fucking anoying..."

"Uh, look Lulu, I'm the general so if I wana say hold like a dozen times it just sucks to be you cause that's the way it goes." Celestia.

"I'm just saying, the more you repeat yourself the less importance it has." Luna.

"The less importance it has nuh nuh nuh nah!" Celestia.

"I don't think that's necessary." Luna.

"I don't think that's necessary." Celestia.

"This isn't a good example for the soldiers." Luna.

"This isn't a good example for the soldiers." Celestia.

"...I'm a jackass." Luna.

"You're a jackass." Celestia.

"No I said 'I'm' a jackass." Luna.

"No I said 'you're' a jackass." Celestia.

"That's reaaallly mature..." Luna.

"You're really mat-OH SHIT! AAAATAAACCK!" Celestia.

The Greeks and Trojans slammed into eachother with full force.

Spears pierced flesh, ponies went flying through the air, Arrows sailed through the skies and landed upon brass shields. Celestia crashed her sword down on a fellow Trojan's shield, "woops! Sorry buddy." and ran off towards another soldier.

Rainbow Dash cleaved ponies in half while Luna sent soldiers hurling through the air with shield bashes. Celestia ran forward and tripped over a dead body.

Somepony flew over Rainbow Dash just as her shield flew up in the air and snapped the bone of their leg.

Shields crashed into eachother as vicious shoving matches insued complete with spears poking through the sides.

Celestia felt her head only to realize that her helmet was missing, she checked around her body for cuts before seeing a Greek charging at her with a spear, "aaahhh!" Celestia ran in the opposite direction.

Trojans formed a wall and steam rolled through Greeks trampling them to death.

Celestia ran forward with her sword held up and behind her back, when she swung it forward, it yanked her cape up over her eyes causing her to flail around in panic.

Three Greek soldiers pointed their swords at her and laughed, then Luna charged by then lopping all three of their heads off.

Shining looked around at everything and culred into a defensive ball with his rump in the air, "oh my gosh!"

A greek saw him exposed and ran at him with his sword ready to be burried in Shining's ass when Luna ran up behind the Greek and impailed him through the back and out the stomach.

Shining looked at the dead body next to him and yelped, "oh my gosh!"

Celestia managed to find a random shield on the ground and picked it up before finding Luna, "what should we do?"

"Push them off the cliff!" Luna replied.

"That gives me an idea! LET'S PUSH THEM OFF THE CLIFF!"

And suddenly a previously non existant cliff within the desert appeared as the Trojans rammed their shields into the Greeks. "We're pushing you off the cliff!" Celestia roared.

The Greeks yelped and apparantly forgot that most of them were Pegasi as they fell to their deaths.

Unfortunately, Celestia was now at the head of the hord which continued to shove forward, "woah! Wait now you're pushing me off the cliff! Woah! FUCK!" Celestia fell down the cliff screeming as she apparantly also forgot that she had wings.

Luna stared at the falling figure, "... oops... probably dead?" she looked back to the other soldiers who nodded, "probably dead? Ya... probably dead..."

XXXXX

*The Trojans took the loss of their general hard*

Soldiers sat around various solumns within the sand as Flutteshy sadly sung out, "Celestiaaaa was the beeest Trojan ever boooorn... Celestiaaaa now she's dead, now it's time to moouuurn..."

Luna walked over.

"Celestiaaaa what a guy, why did youuu have to die?"

Luna sntatched Fluttershy's lute up and began smashing it against the column before stomping away.

*Even Luna lost her shit*

Rainbow Dash leaned into Fluttershy and began sobbing hysterically as she cried manly tears.

Up within the castle...

Cadence rubbed Twilights back as the Unicorn sniffled.

*Twilight took it even harder*

"I was too hard on her... now I'll never become queen..." Twilight sobbed.

"Thank you."

Inside the royal chambers, King Loopy let out a wail of sorrow.

*King Loopy was more loopy then ever*

"... wait.. who was it that got killed?"

XXXXX

*As was customary when an army lost its leader, both sides agreed to a twelve day truce. But being the trifling asshole that he was, that didn't stop Sombra from looking high and low for an advantage.*

Kind Sombra rested on a bed of cushions while Minortiy sat nearby with mares masaging his muscles.

"You like?"

"Oh I like very much..."

"Celestia was curel, and denied you. And was a little bit racist no?" Sombra said, "where as I am generous."

"True dat man, true dat..."

"if you tell me how to penatrate the Trojan walls, anything you want you will have." Sombra informed, "a threesome."

Minority's eyes lit up, "yes!"

"A fouresome with like you know, all mares!" Sombra.

"Oh ya!" Minority.

"You will be given both daily. You will be given jewels and drink." Sombra.

"Look you got me man I'm in, the key to getting in-" Minority.

"Beautiful marginae stallions will give you daily ass play." Sombra.

"Wait what the fuck?! Homie don't play that!" Minority.

"I know, I know what you are thinking, how can Sombra be this kind." Sombra.

"No, listen man I don't really go that way." Minority.

"You will be given golden showers, dirty sanchezes and roman helmets!" Sombra.

"Look man you had me at jewels and drinks you don't have to keep on going." Minority.

"But you can have it all! Foal fiddling, snowballing, beastiality! All the stallion juice you can drink." Sombra.

Minority made a series of gagging noises.

"Six feet of veniccian blind court shoved right up the pee pee hole!" Sombra.

"Ain't nothing going up my pee hole! You crazy mother fucker?!" Minority.

"And let's not forget." Sombra got up and leaned int close to Minority, "the shocker!"

"The shocker?! You can't give to stallion the shocker!" screemed Minority.

"Oh yes! You can!" Sombra replied slowly.

"Ohhhhhh shiiiiit!" Minority cried in a high pitched voice with a quivering lip.

XXXXX

Celestia couged and hacked out water as she slowly stumbled her way towards a beach shore.

*But little did the Trojans know, their general wasn't dead, just a little lost.*

Celestia stumbled around some more as she got closer to shore.

*For a big mare with some meat on her bones, Celestia was a real good swimmer, it had something to do with mass and displacement. Anyway, Celestia was still a live.*

Celestia finally made it to shore before falling face first into the sand... and not moving... at all...

*Eh... sort of...*

Two Griffons walked by and grabbed Celestia's unconcious body before dragging it away.

END OF CHAPTER 2!


	3. Rise of a Warrior

Chapter 3, Rise of a Warrior

Deep within the 'your mom' desert, Celestia awoke with a start and took hold of her surroundings; she was inside of a large iron cage in the center of what appeared to be a desert market.

Next to her was a female Zebra with a mohawk smoking a blunt.

"Damn dog! I thought you was dead for sure!" the Zebra said as Celestia coughed and heaved.

Shaking her head, Celestia focused her mind, "where am I?"

The Zebra answered, "slave market, this prick is about to sell our asses." she pointed towards a Griffon who was attempting to garner the attention of passing ponies, "come on buddy I give you good deal!" he squaked as the ponies passed by ignoring him.

Celestia rubbed her head as a migrane assulted her, the Zebra passed over the joint, "here take this, it'll take the pain away, trust me it's some good shit."

Celestia grabbed the blunt and took a puff, holding the smoke in for a few seconds before blowing it out, "wow, not bad."

Outside, an azure blue mare with a silver mane walked by with a couple servants behind her as the Griffon gave a welcome, "hey buddy! Here, have a look at my stock! We have good deal today, two for one on the slaves; only today."

The blue Unicorn walked around the cage, she got down and prodded the Zebra's butt causing her to yelp, "hey! Mother fucker, shit! Take me to dinner before you just grabbing ass."

The blue Unicorn continued around the cage and slapped Celestia's arms before pulling up Celestia's sleeve on her ragged shirt to reveal a tattoo that read: GO TROJANS.

"Mark of the Legion of Troy." The Blue Unicorn stated in a haughty tone.

The Griffon nodded, "she's a spaniard."

Celestia did a double take, "no I'm not, I don't even speak spanish." she took another puff of weed before passing the blunt back to the Zebra.

"Trust me buddy," the Griffon spoke, "I once bang mare who said she was lebinese, it was total bull shit, she was a spaniard."

The Blue Unicorn leaned down towards the cage near Celestia, "Hola," she began with slow deliberate words, "como eh yama?"

Celestia held a perplexed expression on her face before turning to the Zebra who looked just as confused.

"Trixie will take them both, two for one right?" the Blue Unicorn asked.

"Heh, heh, not for these."

XXXXX

A series of slaves now stood infront of the 'go fuck yourself' estate owned by a certain blue pony who addressed her new property upon the sands of her estate

"My name is Trixie, and Trixie bought you so that she could profit from your death. You're gonna live, fight, and die for Trixie; and that's not even the good part! The good part is that Trixie got you two for one so you were really cheap and Trixie is going to make a LOT of money!" she laughed haughtilly.

The Zebra and Celestia sat upon some toppled columns on the far right of the line. The Zebra took a puff of her joint and passed it to Celestia saying, "what an asshole."

Celestia took the blunt an responded, "certainly is."

"Anyway, it's a lose/lose for you." Trixie's speech continued in the background as Celestia and the Zebra spoke. "Anyway, thanks; I forgot to introduce myself, the name's Celestia Futarius."

The Zebra snickered, "right, and I forgot to introduce myself, I'm Julious motherfucking cesar."

"You think I'm lying? No, sister I'm for real!" Celestia pleaded, "check this out." she cot up, turned around, and flashed her bear ass to the Zebra showing a crudely drawn 'Celestia' with a black marker before sitting back down, "I did that myself, I was fucking wasted."

The Zebra blinked, "... if you're really Celestia Futarius then what are you doing here?"

"You know what, I'm not exactly sure. The last thing I remember my troops pushed me off the edge of a cliff so-" Celestia was interrupted, "see? That's that bullshit."

"Oh, no, no, no, it was an accident." Celestia assured.

"That's racism ther alright? Pushing mother fuckers off of cliffs, you trying to haul a sitah back. Come on man." Zebra shook her head before taking another hit of the joint, "anyway, even if you're her, you're not her."

Celestia blinked, "sorry 'her'?"

"Celestia Futarius." the Zebra informed.

"... I don't follow..."

"Ugh, OK check it out, word on the street is..."

XXXXX

Many many years ago...

Lightning crashed as a priest stood behind a curtain holding a newborn alicorn filly in his arms while ponies cheered from behind the veil.

*Real foal Celestia got dropped off a cliff by accident, the priest found your chubby ass and pawned you off as Celestia so he could cover for himself.*

"Bring out the future foal general!" "Ya we wanna see her!"

More lightning struck causing the priest to jump, the alicorn filly went flying out of his hands and cried as it fell off the edge of the cliff into the waters below.

A servant mare nearby nursing her own alicorn foal gasped as the priest gawked, "shit!" he cried; then he turned to the mare, "can I have this for a second?" he said as he grabbed the swaddled foal.

"No!"

"Yes."

"NO!"

"That's my FOAAAAAAAALLL" the priest shoved the mare off the cliff.

The Priest then walked out from behind the veil to the ponies chhering on the other side, "CELESTIA! CELESTIA! CELESTIA!"

"I present to you, our future general!" the priest held the foal up for the masses to see, "Celestia Futarius!"

"Come on!" one of the ponies yelled, "show us her junk!"

XXXXX

"Pretty fucking coincidental that another Alicorn filly happened to be right there but, what can ya do?" The Zebra finished.

Celestia stood silent in shock with her mouth hanging open, "you're telling me... when I was a foal... I was dropped off a cliff?!"

The Zebra stared...

"Man, cliffs are ruining my FUCKING life!" Celestia groaned.

"You're not listening are you?" the Zebra squaked, "alright listen, check it out look, everypony knows that all of Celestia Futarius' ancestors were hung like Trojan Horses right? What you packin'?"

"Hey, woah woah, no trust me, I'm packing." Celestia assured, "I mean you know.. it ya... and size grows and... ya..."

The Zebra sighed before standing up and revealing that she too was a futanari, her shlong fell all the way to the ground.

"HOLY SHIT!" Celestia jumped.

Trixie walked over, "hey! Does Trixie have to seperate you two? Woah..." Trixie gawked, "do you mind if Trixie touches is it? Just to make sure it's real?"

Celestia stood up, "I'm Celestia Fuatrius!"

"And Trixie is Alexander the Great." Trixie shook her head as she walked away, "there's always a few in every bunch..."

Celestia stood like a fading plastic bag in the wind as the Zebra patted her shoulder, "so you see dog? You just aint the real Celestia. I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you. By the way my name's Zecora."

Celestia stood silent for a few moments, "... I think your dick is on my hoof Zecora."

"Whoop, my bad."

XXXXX

Celestia stood infront of the open sea.

*That evening, Celestia thought about all the shit that had happened to her in her life. And it was a very dramatic moment for her.*

Zecora walked over, "Yo Celestia what you doin'?"

"Praying to the gods."

"What you prayin' for?"

Celestia sighed, "need their help... I have... to prove myself. Change my life, become a true warrior..."

Zecora scoffed, "ya well I want a blowjob and a ham sandwich but some shit don't work out the way you want, know what I'm sayin'?"

Trixie walked over and addressed them in spansish causing Celestia to sigh, "King Sombra has arranged some Gladiator games during the time of peace in honor of the dead general what's her name; and guess who got the contract? Trixie got the fucking contract! Cause Trixie is the fucking mare! Anywya, it's time to prove yourself, change your life, an dbecome a true warrior."

Celestia and Zecora stared at eachother for a few moments.

"But anyway, that means you're going to Troy to compete." Trixie finished.

Celestia was practically bouncing with joy, "Nice!"

"Ya, well don't get so excited because you gotta go to Gladiator camp first to sharpen your skills so that you don't embarass Trixie's ass infront of thousands of ponies. So pack your shit mares!"

Celestia wooped, "grassias seniorieta!" and ran off.

Zecora shook her head in astonishment, she turned towards the ocean and put her hands together in prayer, "yo gods, can I please get a blowjob and a hamsandwich?"

*Zecora didn't get her blowjob, or her ham sandwich, but she and Celestia did go to the Gladiator camp where for the first time in her life,*

Celestia attempted to do a push up with strained breath before falling flat on her face.

*Celestia would quit fucking around and take her training seriously.*

(Montage time!)

Celestia sparred with another pony in the sandy courtyard of the estate with wooden swords and was dissarmed in a matter of seconds.

Next up, she and Zecora came in last in the three legged race.

Followed thereby the game of chairs all three ponies got a seat with Celestia standing last, "FUCK!"

Upon another try she half sat on one stool with another pony on the other half, "that's a tie! Right? That's a tie!"

A few days later...

"Alright! You're improving!" Zecora cheered as Celestia began holding her own in the sparring courtyard.

Then in the game of chairs she literally yanked the stool out from the last contender before sitting on it herself.

Celestia managed several dozen pushups without pussing out.

Celestia and Zecora just barely came in first in the three legged race while Trixie cheered on, "RUUUUN YOU IDIOTS!"

Ponies now trained with metal blades, clashing swords; Celestia dodged all of her opponant's attacks before catching his wrist, spinning around him, and disarming him taking hold of his sword while tossing him to the ground.

"Good, good!" Trixie clapped, "now you gotta kill him!"

Celestia stared at her...

"FINISH HIM!"

Celestia plunged the blade into the stallion's chest and ripped the blade out.

"Ya!" Trixie cried as the pony fell into the sand bleeding out.

Celestia stared at the blood on a blade and gringed a bit but smiled when she saw the thumbs up from Trixie. Zecora also gave a thumbs up. Even the dead stallion gave a thumbs up.

"Now you're gonna have to burry him, alright we have nopony else to do it, but good for you!" Trixie informed.

XXXXX

It was finally time for the Gladiatorial fight.

Horns blared as Trixie addressed the crowds, "Fillies and gentlecolts! Welcome to and afternooon of killing and maming!"

Over in the private balcony with a throne stood King Sombra with Minority standing next to him. Sombra stood valiantly before waving both hands feminely.

"Why don't you cut that gay shit out?" Minority quiped.

Outside with the ticket sellers, Trixie's voice could still be heard, "this is sponsered by King Sombra and Trixie Productions!"

"Come on dad! We're gonna miss the decapitation!" Pipsqueak dragged his dad towards the arena.

Back inside, Trixie finished her announcements, "these Gladiators have been trained to die horrible disgusting deaths for your entertainment"

Ponies stood up and cheered.

"I like it when they eat the ponies!" Sombra called out.

"If any body parts fly into the crowd, you can keep them, except the liver!" Trixie finished.

Inside the prep area behind the doors of the arena, Celestia took a few breaths to prepare herself. "Twilight... if you can hear me... I'm either dying today or coming home to you so... keep me in your thoughts..."

Zecora turned around, "did you smoke without me?"

"Not today Zecora," Celestia put her steel helmet on, "I have to stay focused. Oh and they're drug testing so you might wanna watch that."

"Oh shit..." Zecora replied.

Suddenly, urine hit the ground next to Celestia's hoof, she jumped and turned around to face a whimpy looking pony, "hey what the fuck?! What kind of Gladiator are you?"

"I'm an accountant!"

Back outside Trixie announced, "Now this is a little something Trixie likes to call, the annihilation of Tool Chip, the accountant! This guy screwed up Trixie's books, and he is gonna pay!"

Tool Chip meekly waved his sword around as he poked his head out from the corner of the Gladiator backstages; slowly walking in when suddenly two ponies rushed in and impailed him from either side.

They then proceded to hack and slash at his dead corpse.

Minorty covered his eyes, "oh fuck!"

Sombra laughed.

The Gladiators continued to demolish the corpse.

Back outside the ticket seller continued to pitch, "tickets!" he called out to ponies passing by.

Berry Punch and her very young tiny duaghter Ruby Pinch walked up as the ticket seller turned to them, "two tickets up front seats! You can see blood and guts! Everything!"

Ruby Pinch looked up to her mother, "can we mom?"

"We'll take two." Berry answered and paid for the tickets.

"Beer here! Get your beer here!"

"Can I have a beer mom?"

"What are you nuts?! What kind of mother do you think I am?" Berry snapped before leading her daughter into the arena filled with homocidal Gladiators ripping eachother's guts out.

Back inside the Arena...

"Next! We have the chubby spaniard vs. the Changeling Sisters Mendax, Nexus, and Chrysalis of Pompei!"

Celestia rushed forth and countered Mendax's blade before spining around and slashing her diagonally accross the back opening her spine.

Turning around she caught Chrysalis' sword on her own before slicing open the Changeling's belly as the crowd cheered.

Celestia rushed forward and impailed Nexus before ripping the blade out and spining around with her hoof out tripping the Changeling to the ground.

"Damn!" Minority called out, "that niggah got skills!"

"SPANIARD! SPANIARD! SPANIARD! SPANIARD!" the crowd roared.

Celestia produced a mallet from nowhere and smashed it on Mendax's head splattering her brains all over a large poster held by some college ponies in the front row.

"ARE YOU READY FOR SOME HOOFBALL?!" Trixie exclaimed, the crows answered in a gleeful cheer.

Gladiators took up hoofball positions with two teams as Celestia's had Chrysalis' decapitated head as she called out, "alpha beta! Alpha beta! Hut hut hut!"

Zecora rushed forward and tackled the enemy quarterback while Celestia was handed the 'ball' she backed up as Zecora killed her way towards the endzone.

Just as Zecora passed by the wave of ponies, Celestia hurled Chrysalis' head through the air.

Zecora leapt into the air and caught the Changeling's head as she fell to the ground, the crowd went wild!

Zecora got up and super Zebra jumped to the stands to hands the head to Rupy Pinch who grabbed it and cheered, "yaaaa!"

Celestia picked up a severed limb and used an equally severed veing laying around to sign her name on the limb before tossing it to the crowd.

Trixie adressed the roaring crowd, "and we have the Spaniard, and she looks like she's gonna be the next super star so get your trading cards now, this kid is going to kill right to the top."

Suddenly, a pony dropped in from the crowd in black plate mail with a flaired Greek helmet, the pony's shield covering its face.

"Blueballs!" Zecora called out.

"It's Blueballs!" one of the crowd members exclaimed as murmers spread throughout the masses.

"Bllueeeeballlls..." Sombra leered from his seat in the private balcony.

Blueballs stood up with his shield still covering his face.

Celestia picked up her sword, "oh don't worry, I got this... I think..."

Blueballs tossed his shield to the side keeping his head low as he charged towards Celestia. Up in the private balcony Sombra smiled, "that's my guy." he said proudly.

Things seemed to slip into slow motion as blueballs leapt forward with various arial stunts and unnecessary flips.

"Fuck her up you big mother fucker!" Minory cheered.

Just as Blueballs landed infront of the Alicorn, Celestia swung her sword and decapitated Blueballs with a single strike.

The Crowd gasped... and went dead silent in disbelief.

"What the fuck?!" Sombra gawked.

Blueblood's body twitched a bit before falling limply to the ground.

Sombra continued to stare, "I thought his asshole was immortal?!"

"Wow..." Celestia blinked, "Gladiator camp's the shit..."

The crowd shakilly sat down... complete and utter dead silence filled the arena...

Celestia turned to face the spectators, "are you not entertained?!" she held her hands out, "are you not entertained?! Is this not why you're here?!"

One of the spectator ponies stood up, "actually I'm here for the tiger mauling at 4."

Another pony stood up, "me too."

Celestia stood in place... "well OK, well then uh... let this be a lesson to you all about the dangers of jumping onto the field of play during sporting events-"

Sombra leaned forward in his seat, "who is this masked pony?"

"-Especially you foals." Celestia finished.

"Tell Trixie I want to meet her."

Down inside the arena, Trixie walked in along with a contingent of guards, Celestia faced them with her sword ready as they surrounded her.

"Drop your weapon, King Sombra wants to meet you." Trixie informed.

Celestia did as she was told.

"Now look, chubby spaniard-" "Just Spaniard actually is fine, I'm not even crazy about that."

"OK well look, you were terrific today, I mean the way you smash a head!" Trixie explained, "I mean, just really nice stuff. And Trixie would like to represent you."

"Well that's a wonderful opportunity could I maybe think about it?" Celestia asked.

"Look, Trixie can give you any kind of grape you want, globe grapes, hood grapes." Trixie listed.

"I like hood graps." Celestia.

"You like a good blowjob?" Trixie.

"I love a good blowjob, who doesn't?" Celestia.

"You ever have one in the back of a chariot?" Trixie.

"You know what, I have not. I'm not quite that adventurous." Celestia chuckled.

"Hey it's a little bumpy but still not bad." Trixie.

"Fighter!" Sombra said as he approached Celestia, "take off your helmet... And anything else if it makes you feel more comfortable."

*Que epic music*

Celestia slowly took her helmet off revealing her identidy.

Sombra's smile faded while members of the crowd gasped, "It's Celestia!" Berry Punch exclaimed.

Celestia turned, "Hey, weren't you a pole dancer in the temple of the Ugly Fuckers a couple chapters ago?"

Berry's eyes shifted left and right, "nnnnnooooo..." "Mama, what's a pole dancer?" Ruby asked innocently.

Shaking her head, Celestia returned her gaze to Sombra, "My name is Celestia Futarius, commander of the world's greatest super power. Married to a hot, pushy, but admitedly sexually enlightened wife; and slayer! To the seemingly invincible Blueballs so ya... I'm kinda the shit."

Sombra narrowed his eyes as he ground his teeth.

"It's not Blueballs!" the coroner called out as he piled bodies onto a wagon.

Everypony's heads turned to face the coroner, "she didn't kill Blueblood." He picked up the decapitated head showing a blond mane and two misaligned golden eyes, "she killed his cousine."

Derpy's head swung a bit before spontaneosly speaking, "you kille me you fucker!"

Ruby Pinch stood up and yelled out, "JACKASS!"

Ponies began booing and throwing objects at Celestia, "YOU KILLED DERPY!" "THERE'S A SPECIAL PLACE IN TARTARUS FOR YOU!" "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAVE DERPY NOT CUT HER HEAD OFF YOU ASSHOLE!" "BOOOOOOO!"

Celestia faced the crowd as Sombra smiled and waved her hands back and forth, "NONONONONONO! Tha- It was a differ- He cha- and he was flip- and- fuck I'm sorry!"

The soldiers stepped forward with their spears pointed at her, "should we kill her my king?"

Sombra seemed to debate it, "no, I have another idea for Celestial Duche-ias"

"It's Celestia Futarius actually."

"I WAS INSULTING YOU IDIOT!"

The Captain of the soldiers holding his sword out turned his head, "what's the idea?"

"I'll tell you later." Sombra answered.

"You can't just tell us now without having to scene change?"

Sombra deadpaned, he held out his hand and a stagehand from off scren held out a sword which he took and used to impail the captain of the guard who grunted and fell to the ground dead.

"I'll tell you later."

Commence scene change!

XXXXX

Celestia lay on a long wooden table with her hands tied above her head and her hooves tide to the other end while Sombra stood nearby within the arena.

"ARE YOU READY TO SEE SOME SUFFERING?!"

The crowd responded with cheers and two ponies began twisting a wheel cog which tightened the ropes around Celestia's limbs stretcching far beyond the comfort zone.

Sombra leaned over Celestia, "cry mercy, and it will all end."

Celestia struggled as her limbs were pulled to their limits and grunted out through a strained voice, "b-blow me!"

Sombra scowled, "you know I would, but this is the part where bad stuff happens to you."

XXXXX

Blueballs sat within his tent with his black plate mail suite sitting nerby attendding to his golden mane when two of his soldiers walked in.

"What?" he demanded.

The two stallions fidgeted, "ah... sir... we have some news from the arena..." he gulped.

"I told you, I don't want to be disturbed until Sombra had grown to have Blueballs back." Blueballs tated before turning to face the soldiers, "and as far as I now there hasn't been any growing."

The other pony gulped, "well it's your cousine sir she... went dressed up as you to the Gladiator games and... sh-...sh-..." the stallion began sweating bullets.

Blueballs smacked him upside the head, "spit it out!"

"We were really tanked! And... Derpy, she jumps into the Gladiator pit on-on a dare and..." The other stallion continued for him, "this Gladiator w-who actually turned out to be Celestia th- you that general-" "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY COUSINE?!" Blueballs shouted.

The first stallion gulped, "Celestia... m-mistaked her for you and s... uh... c-cut her head off."

"AAAAARRRGHHH!" Blueballs roared and jumped in a circle slapping both ponies as he did so, "AAARRRGGHH! How could anypony confuse me for my cousine! I'm five inches taller than she is! I've got better bone structure! I got 60% less body fat and our muscle densities aren't even close! We've got different coat collors and she's a Pegasus and I'm a Unicorn!" He panted, "Confuse Derpy for me? Celestia... you're a dead futa..." he growled.

XXXXX

"What do you want to see next?!" Sombra called out to the crowd.

"FAT MARES!"

"FAT MARES FAT MARES FAT MARES!" the crowd roared in unison.

Two very big and very fat jiggly mares walked out, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

Minority hopped up and down, "now those are some big ass bitches!"

Celestia gawked as the mares grabbed some nearby goat fat and smeared it accross their bodies and slapping their asses as the crowd went wild.

Celestia shook her head frantically as Silver Spoon climbed ontop of her and smothered her iwth her now greesy tits, the huge breasts slapping Celestia's face left and right like thunder with wet sloppy thwacks.

Another pony stood up from the crowd, "SIT ON HER FACE!"

"SIT ON HER FACE SIT ON HER FACE SIT ON HER FACE!"

Celestia's eyes went wide as Diamond Tiara climbed up with her huge fat jiggly ass slowly descending like a giant blubber obelisk of doom.

"SOMBRA YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!"

The giant tush loomed ever closer, "PLEASE! JUST KILL ME!"

Celestia screemed and thrashed about as the epic music of a dying hero played from nowhere.

Just as the giant rump roast landed on her face she cried out one last word, "FFFFRRREEEEEEEDDDDOOOOOOOOOOMMMMEEE-urglglglglggg ghhhhhhh..."

Then suddenly!

Blueballs jumps down from the stands in his black plate mail.

King Sombra turned around to hear him say, "this mother fucker's mine."

"Oh no you don't you little glory hog!" Sombra replied, "you!" he pointed towards his guards, "take him!"

Several soldiers ran towards Blueballs who cut them down like wheat.

In the midst of the chaos, Celestia struggled relentlessly, she could feel her limbs slowly losening themselves from her bonds.

Celestia finally got herself free and shoved the big ass bitches off her before rolling to the ground and crawling away towards the exit.

Blueballs continued to provide a distraction as Celestia got to her hooves and sprinted out of the arena and into the open 'sushiwanazo akiato teryoki hondocani no honoda civica bushi rohdanadananananananananana' desert.

END OF CHAPTER!


	4. Trojan Wood

Chapter 5, Trojan Wood

"Look! It's general Celestia! Open the gates!"

Inside of Celestia's chambers...

Twilight gazed upon the black dildo in her hands given to her by Cadence, she eyed inquisitively and sniffed it a bit.

Celestia rushed into the room and presented herself with poise, "somepony looking for a general?"

Twilight jumped and hurled the dildo out the window, "Celestia!" she squaked, she rushed up and threw her arms around Celestia holding her tight.

Reuinited, they embraced and sucked face until night fall where they now stood naked staring out the window with Celestia behind her.

"This will not be over quickly..." Celestia stated.

"That would be a first." Twilight responded as Celestia ran a hand over her arm.

"and you will not enjoy this."

"That wouldn't."

"... touche..."

*That night, Celestia recieved a true hero's welcome. Her newfound strength and skill drove Twilight wild with desire. They were conquerer and conquered, master and gimp. In the evening mood she conquered Twilight's soul and made her cum a LOT of times.*

XXXXX

"How could you idiots let her escape!" Sombra shouted towards the arena master in his tent.

"Us? I would say you were a little comperable there." the game master responded.

Sombra nodded, then grabbed the spear of a nearby guard and stabbed the game master in the belly. "HURLK! Kinda... forgot my place there... ughlglhglghlghlhhllllhhhhhh..."

Sombra stood over the corpse and began stabbing it over and over again, punctuating each word with another impailment, "We! Have! To attack! Them! Before! They! Attack! Us!" and left the spear inside the dead pony before turning to the map, "but we still cannot breach their walls."

"Alright look," Minority began as he walked into the room, "I know how to get in, and after thinking about it, I'll even try a golden shower one time OK? But I get to pick the showerer; otherwise it's threesome, foursome, booz, and jewels; none of that other bullshit!"

Sombra looked down at him, "are you sure? No stallion juice?"

"I'm sure!" Minority affirmed.

"Suit yourself..."

"Here's the big tip, we gotta get a big wooden dick and just drag it all the way up here," Minority's finger gestured up the road map to the Trojan gates, "look at that big ass fucker..."

XXXXX

At the front gates of Troy, Shining Armor and Cadence gawked at the sight of the collossal wooden penis on wheels.

King Loopy and Luna stood nearby, "... some ponies send flowers and some send giant wooden penises..."

Inside the giant wooden dick...

Blueballs and his private legion were getting high as shit as they giggled, "shh! Shh, shh, shh."

Shining tilted his head, "but it's real nice... artistically speaking not in any kind of gay way." Cadence stared at him with a deadpan.

Back up inside the giant wooden dick...

"Don't hurculese that joint!" More snickering erupted.

Cadence continued to stare, "it reminds me of a macedonian I used to date..."

Shining also stared, "was his name Big Mac?"

Cadence blinked, "yes..."

King Loopy nodded, "we should bring it into the city and deal with it."

Luna frowned, "this could be a trap my King, there could be Greeks in there waiting to jump out and kill us when we bring it into the city."

"... we should bring it into the city and deal with it."

Luna blinked, "My King I urge you... we should take it, and burn it."

The giggling inside the giant wooden dick stopped.

King Loopy gave a 'hmm' "you might be right Luna... but who am I to look a gift cock in the mouth? To the city!"

Inside the giant wooden dick, Blueball's soldiers gave eachother high fives.

A group of Trojan soldiers began wheeling it in through the gates only for it to catch on the top of the gate hole...

"Back it up!" Shining ordered, the soldiers did so.

"And now, push it in!" The soldiers wheeled it forward only for the same problem to occure leaving Cadence groaning in exasperation.

"Back it up again!" Shining ordered and the soldiers complied.

"And please, push it in again." the soldiers wheeled it towards the gate, "just to it a little slower."

Cadence rolled her eyes and exclaimed, "just ram it in for fuck's sake!"

And so, the giant wooden penis invaded Troy...

XXXXX

Twilight panted as she lay against Celestia, "oh... that... was... awesome... I never knew you had it in you!"

"Actually I had it in you." Celestia replied coyly making Twilight laugh.

XXXXX

Inside the empty coutyard...

A series of white ropes shot out of the wooden penis tip and dangled down to the ground. Roll that mental image around in your mind for a while.

Greek soldiers climbed their way down to the ground and snuck their way through the streets.

XXXXX

Celestia nodded, "I liked it when you punched me in the face."

Twilight turned back and smiled, "did you liek that?"

"I did, it was passionate." Celestia replied.

"How about a little slap and tickle?" Twilight said just as Shining Armor charged into the room screeming, "CELESTIA!"

Celestia and Twilight looked up.

"The Greeks have breached our walls!" Shining revealed.

"What?! How?!" Celestia shouted.

"A giant penis!" Shining replied.

Celestia looked down at her waist and back at Shining, "thank you, but how did they get past the walls?"

Shining stared with a deadpan, "They're sacking the city..."

"FUCK!/SHIT!" Celestia and Twilight exclaimed.

XXXXX

Trojans and Greeks colided with oneanother and the streets ran red with blood.

Inside a tent just outside the city, Sombra sat next to Minority stroking his cheek, "you have done well my little friend."

Minority turned towards him, "is your hand up my ass?"

"No... maybe..."

"Man get the fuck off of me!" Minority slapped Sombra's chest making him smile.

Just then, Celestia and Shining ran into the tent. "Sombra!" Then she noticed Minority.

"Kiss my Zebra ass mother fucker!" he shouted.

Celestia nodded, "ya, I deserved that... Sombra, let's spare the soldiers lives and settle this the old fashioned way, your best fighter vs. mine. We win, you leave Troy forever."

"And if we win?" Sombra asked with a raised brow.

"Then we submit to your rule." celestia answered.

Sombra smiled, "BLLUUUEEE-" "I'm right here." Blueballs state as he popped in from off screen making Sombra jump, "yipe! You're either too late or too early! Your timing is HORRIBLE!"

"Get over it." was Blueball's only reply as he stood in his black plate mail.

Sombra shook his head and turned to Celestia, "and who is your best fighter?"

Celestia raise her arms up to her side, "SHIIIIIINIIIIIIIIIINNN- just kidding!" she pointed at Shining Armor who looked like he was having a heart attack, "gotcha!"

Shining heaved and panted, "oh... my gosh... I just shit my pands..."

Celestia laughed her ass off at Shining's expense, when she finally calmed down she faced Sombra, "oh you should have seen the look on your face, ya no, it's me, I'm gonna fight him."

"Great let's do this," Blueballs said, "I've got a loincloth wax at 3."

XXXXX

Infront of the Trojan gates in the courtyard at midday with dozens of soldiers from both Greezs and Trojans forming a large circle makeshift arena, Celestia and Blueblood stood off in the center.

The two began to circle eachother, Celestia whiped her blade around as Blueballs cracked his neck and laughed.

Twilight and Luna stood by watching as it all of Troy for this decisive battle.

Celestia whiped her blade around and held it in a maximum thrust stance before charging forward with a battle cry.

Blueballs didn't even move, he let the blade run him through piercing his plate mail and popping out the other side.

Blueballs laughed hysterically and grabbed Celestia's hand pulling the sword in even further, not a single drop of blood fell from the wound.

Celestia's jaw dropped as her eyes bugged out, her hands weakilly let go of the sword as she backed up slightly.

"I know right?!" Blueblood exclaimed, "this shit is sick! You can't kill the indestructible Blueballs!"

Celestia blinked, "... I saw this going differently in my mind..."

Blueballs grabbed the sword handle and ripped the blade out of his torso, completely clean and void of any blood or guts before tossing it back to Celestia.

Celestia did a double take before swing the sword with all her might, "HYAAAA!" Blueballse parried the blow with his own sword and knocked it away before blocking the next strike and the one after that; then he parried a third spining Celestia around before kicking her back and sending her toppling over.

Celestia got up, shook her head and swung at Blueballs again who dextrously bent backwards completely dodging the blow before standing back up laughing and swinging his own sword at Celestia.

Celestia did her best to block and parry the blows until her sword was knocked out of her hand.

Celestia's eyes filled with panic as Blueballs closed in, then a voice called out, "leave her alone mr. Blueballs!"

Everypony's head turned towards Shining who stood shaking like a leaf.

Blueballs slowly walked towards him causing the stallion to turn tail and run away screeming, "oh shit!"

Celestia took advantage of the distraction and grabbed his sword; she lunged forward from her crouching position with her blade aimed at Blueball's waist, when he saw the attack, he hopped back letting out a yelp of genuine fear.

Celestia stood up and stared as an epiphany hit her, "his name... is Blueballs... because his balls are his weakness!"

Minority shook his head, "aint that mother fucker a genius?"

Celestia laughed before swinging her sword agian aimed for Blueball's crotch, but Blueballs deftly dodged and parried that attacks.

This continued until Blueballs gained the upper hand and disarmed Celestia yet again hopping backwards.

Everypony gasped.

"Time for Blueballs to end this shit." Blueballs said confidently.

And que the slow motion and epic music.

Blueballs ran forwards with a series of completely unnecessary flips and acrobatic maneuvers.

And then Celestia saw it, Blueballs jumped into the air with the splits, her eyes widened, it all linked together; this was it! As Blueballs came down, Celestia brought her hoof back and kicked it forward and high like there was no tomorrow.

A shockwave blasted outwards with such force it caused a sonic rainboom knocking all the soldiers over as Blueball's blue balls were anihilated, they were kicked up his crotch, through his stomach and out his mouth where a sack now protruded dangling like dingleberries.

Celestia mouthed out 'what the fuck' without any voice as the sonic rainboom and ripped away all sound in its awesomeness. Blueballs brought his fingers up to his mouth and pushed the ball sack back into his throte and swallowed them all the way back down to this crotch.

Time returned to normal, sound was restored. Blueballs fell to the ground crying like a newborn foal as he clutched his genitals, "my balls! Oh my balls! OWHOHOWOWOWOW MOMMY!"

Celestia grabbed her sword and held it up high when Rarity ran in out of nowhere and prostrated herself over her son, "no!" she cried.

Celestia blinked, "who is this chick?"

"Please! He's my only son!"

Celestia gawked, "dude! That's your MOM?!"

Blueballs rolled onto his back, "mommy..."

"Shhh, let me kiss it to make it better." Rarity cooed."

Shining d'awwed, "that is so sweet." Cadence nodded, "there's nothing like a mother's love."

"CELESTIA! CELESTIA! CELESTIA!" The Trojan soldiers cried.

Sombra shrieked in rage, "NO! This was supposed to be MY moment! GREEKS!" the Greek soldiers drew their weapons.

"Trojans!" Celestia roared as she redied her own.

Celestia began moving towards Sombra when suddenly Shining ran between them, "no, no wait!"

"Wait?! For what?!" Celestia yelled back.

"Listen Celestia, I no that he's a bit of a meanie pants." Shining reasoned.

"Uh, a bit?!" Celestia squaked.

"But he's just... he's misunderstood." Shining explained.

Sombra blinked, "... no I'm not."

Shining shook his head, "yes you are, don't you see? All murdering and enslaving it's just... it's you over compensating."

Celestia face palmed, 'oh for fuck's sake, we're not seriously doing this are we?' she thought to herself.

Sombra fowned, "overcompensating?"

"Yes!"

"... for what?"

Shining smiled, "for who you really are."

'Yep, we're doing this...' Celestia sighed.

Shining tapped a figner on Sombra's chest, "right here."

Sombra's lip quivered, "it's true... he see's right through me!"

Shining wiped tears from his eyes, "I know, I see right through you because... because I love you!"

Celestia chucked her sword to the ground and threw her hands up in the air, "that's it! I fucking hate this story, it's a cock meat, parasprite infested piece of ass cake layered with the shit of a diarhea skunk!"

Sombra's eyes shimmered with tears as he stared at Shining.

Shining grabbed his cloth shirt, "I'm gay!" and ripped it off revealing a very flamboyant outfit.

King Loopy looked out over the balcony, "shit I knew it..."

Celestia... where'd she go? "I REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS RETARDED DEBAUCHERY OF LITERACY! I'm the fucking princess of Equestria! You can't put me in a story like this! You can't make me act the way I've been acting! I'm well over a thousand years old! I'm the most respected and epic character in the whole fucking universe of Friendship is Magic! You don't take a character like me and make me do the shit I've been doing!"

Come on Celestia we're in the final scene of the last chapter, just hold in there a little longer.

"... NO!"

Please?

"NO! I DON'T WANNA!"

Celestia...

"..."

Come on, at the point we're at you might as well just finish it.

"...fine..."

Celestia walked back on screen grumbling to herself.

Shining continued his rant, "don't you understand, I mean, why do you think I took Cadence in the first place? I was trying to make you jealous! And ya, lots of ponies died and I feel pretty bad about it, but I was trying to get a rise out of you!"

Sombra gasped, "oh my gosh, why didn't you just say something!"

"I didn't know what to say!"

"OH me too! I was so jealous when you came to visit and all the time you were spending with her!"

Shining bounced up and down gaily, and gayly also, "I knew it! Oh who cares about being king of Troy?"

"Oh girl, you can still be the Queen of Greece!" Sombra giggled.

Celestia glares out the computer screen at the writer, "I hate you and everything you stand for Bemnal."

Pinkie pops in out of nowhere, "Oh come on, he's not THAT bad, I mean at least this isn't like Equestria's Steamy Nights where some guy has a three way with a dolphin and Rainbow Dash. Oh oh! And then Trixie gets cemented to the ground and three stallions suffocate her with their cocks and semen! OH and then in Sorceress' Choice Twilight and Luna have kinky sticky vampire sex covered in some mare's blood. OH! OH! OH! and then in Equestria Game of Thrones that one Necromancer has sex with that Witch and there's like worms and magots in her vagina and the Necromancer's penis squishes them all while they have slopy necro sex! Or-"

Pinkie... I think we all get the picture...

"-or in Something About the Dashes when Cream kills those three foals and orgsms as she strangles that one bully to death or in the prequel Something About Fluttershy when Fluttershy kills Spitfire and hacks all her limbs off or the bonus chapter of Something About Fluttershy when Dashie and Flutters have like a 20 page long sex scene with like 30 orgasms or something and-"

Pinkie... seriously... you can stop now...

"and-" PINKIE! You've damaged the dimensional rift quite enough as is!

"awwwwww..."

Celestia gawks as the rest of the characters go on as if nothing's amis before turning towards the writer again, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BEMNAL?! WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCK WRITES THIS KIND OF SHIT?! YOU NEED MENTAL HELP! And YOU!" she faces you the reader, "YOU'RE JUST AS BAD FOR READING THIS AND ENCOURAGING HIM!"

Well I was supposed to see a psychiatrist but the meeting got cancel- we're getting off track here.

"Yes sir we we are!"

Pinkie, go home.

"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie Pie dissapears into Celestia knows where.

"What? No I don't! I have no idea where she went!" Celestia scoffed.

... ... ... ... ... ... let's just get back to the story.

Celestia groaned, "ugh fine..." and turned to Shining and Sombra, "you know what?! Fuck Greece! And Fuck you!" she pointed towards Sombra, "I mean come on! This whole war started because you two f-" Shining put his finger up in warning and Celestia took a breath to calm herself, "faggots" Shining nodded in aproval, "wouldn't come out of the closet?!"

Shining shifted his wait on his hooves before nodding.

Celestia yelled in rage, "I mean! I had to climb a mountain filled with fucking like... even more ugly versions of Snips and Snails; I fell off a cliff; I lived in a cage; I got smothered by greesy celulite; I even KILLED Derpy Hooves! There's a special kind of place in Tartarus for killing Derpy Hooves! And for WHAT?!"

Celestia groaned and sighed, "alright look... Sombra, if I let you live, you agree to return home and leave Troy the fuck alone." she turned to Shining Armor, "and Shining, you promise not to steal anypony else's wife or cost the lives of thousands and thousands of ponies?"

Shining nodded, "yes I do."

"Ok that's just great, then by the power invested in me as the general of the Trojan army, I declare this war over, we win you lose."

"CELESTIA! CELESTIA! CELESTIA!" this time it was everypony who called out her name in celebration.

Twilight rushed over and wrapped her arms tightly around Celestia, "I am so proud of you!" she squeeled."

"Thanks babe." Celestia replied.

"I have some good news... and some bad news..." Twilight informed.

"OK good news first." Celestia decided.

"Troy is safe, you have become the mare I always knew you could be, and I will get to be the Queen." Twilight revealed.

"Fantastic, what's the bad news?" Celestia asked.

"I'm in love with Cadence and she's moving in with us." Twilight said with an unreadable expression.

"Fantastic, what's the bad news?" Celestia asked.

Twilight smiled and hugged Celestia tightly yet again.

"I always knew you'd be into it!" Twilight giggled before running off leaving Celestia feeling exausted but glad that this was all over.

Up atop the wall, Twilight ran up to Cadence, "so?" Cadence asked, "what'd he say?"

"You're in!" Twilight replied.

"YES!" Cadence exclaimed.

And then Cadence and Twilight grabbed eachother and made out, slipping their tongues into oneanother's mouthes.

*And so it was that the wrong foal became the right mare. A mare who became a general. A general who became a legend. A legend that will echo not just through her time, but through all time. The Legend of Celestia Futarius.*

THE END!

There that wasn't so bad now was it?

"I fucking hate you, don't ever write a story with me in it ever again," Celestia scowled, "not even as a background character."

Well I'm sorry you feel that way 'cause I thought up a lot of hot short stories with you and Luna.

"Go fuck yourself."

Oh and ofcourse in the sequel to Sorceress' Choice you'll be fighting Luna for Twilight's love.

"Seriously, just die, I hate you."

I love you too Celestia, have a nice day.

"Oh and you're a terrible fucking speller."

My computer doesn't have any programs with spell check.

"Ha Ha! Eat shit and die."

So fiesty! I can't wait to let loose a ravenous horny Luna on you.

"You're an abomination to all creation."

"HIII EVERYOOOOONEE!"

Pinkie I thought I told you to go home?

"No, if she brings you suffering I want her to be here!"

Wow Celestia you're really a bitch outside of the show aren't you?

"WELLL SHE DOES TURN ANYPONY SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO STONE OR SEND THEM TO THE MOOOOOOOONNN BBEEEEYYYAAAACHHH! DO YOU LIKE BANANAS?!"

"... I changed my mind, I hate you both, I hope you both die."

"OH AND BEMNAL'S HUNGRY SO HE'S GOING TO EAT SOME LUNCH!"

... how did you... forget it, I don't want to know.

"PInkie, take me home."

"OKIE DOKIE LOKIE! OH AND THEN I HAVE TO GET BACK TO SOMETHING ABOUT THE DASHES AND HELP TRAIN CREAM AND FLUTTERSHY TO BECOME THE PERFECT SERIAL KILLERS WHOOPIEEEEEEE"

"... I don't think I feel safe with her now..."

Have fun you two.

"What?! Don't leave me with her!"

...

"Bemanl?"

...

"Bemnal!"

...

"READY TO GO PRINCESS?! HOLD ON TO NOTHING! GET IT?! CAUSE WE'RE PASSING THROUGH INTERDIMENTIONAL RIFTS SO THERE IS NOTHING TO HOLD ONTO?! BWAHAHAHAHAHA I'M FUNNY! WEEEEEE!"

"Get me outta here!"

"HERE WE GO PRINCESS WEEEEEEEEEEE!"

And that's how Equestria was made.

"Well you know what? This whole fucking story sucks balls and it's a terrible fucking parody with no originality! So suck my futanari dick you hack pathetic excuse for a writer!"

Well that was uncalled for...

***/***/***/***/***/***/***/***/**/

Deleted Scenes/bloopers:

***This takes place after Celestia's victory.***

Luna walked up to Celestia, "General... I've underestimated you... today, you have shown strength, you have shown honor... today Tia, you have come a long way-" "*snicker* you said cum!"

Luna deadpaned, "I'm trying to give you the respect that I be-"

"I'm trying to give you the respect that I belive" Celestia.

"Are you repeating me?" Luna.

"Are you repeating me?" Celestia.

"You're gonna play that game?" Luna.

"You're gonna play that game?" Celestia.

"You are by far." Luna.

"You are by far." Celestia.

"The worst general ever." Luna.

"The worst general, you're not even a general." Celestia.

"Unbelievable..." Luna.

"What's unbelievable?" Celestia.

"I thought you changed." Luna.

"I have changed, I've changed shit tons!" Celestia.

"You haven't changed a bit." Luna.

"Changed the fucking world!" Celestia.

***This takes place in the temple of the Ugly Fuckers***

Snips looked down at Sunset Shimmer, "you need some fucking therapy!" he screemed at her as he shoved a spiked rod with rusty nails sticking out of it up her vagina.

Snails aggreed, "Freak!" he yelled in her face as she cried and sobbed.

***This takes place during the first scene with King Loopy and Celestia.***

"Between you and me, Twilight's been on the rag."

King Loopy nodded sagely, "well... don't be an idiot that's natural; just try doggy fashion, some mares preffer it, check it out."

***This never took place but here it is anyway.***

Derpy stood infront of the camera as the director ordered 'action.'

"My name is Derpy Hooves and I approve this Shakespear Monologue. OH from hues of fire" Derpy shook her fists at the sky, "A kindgome for a stage! Princes to act." she waved her fingers out infront of her, "and monarchs to behold, the swelling sea." she clutched her hands to her chest. "turning an acomplishment of many years and into an hourglass, and omit me Derpy, to this history, who prolonged light; may your humble patience pray." she gave a bow. "Timing to judge, our play."

That's your que to applaud.


	5. My other movie-based stories

My other movie-based stories:

Dash, Dog of War. -Soldier-

Trixie the Manifique. -Vatel-

Sisters in Blood and Magic, a Tale of Witches and Love. -Practical Magic-

Warriors of Harmony. -Warriors of Virtue-

The Legend of Celestia Futarius. -300, Troy, Gladiator, The Legend of Awesomest Maximus-

Rainbow Dash: Pitch Black. -Riddick-


End file.
